Tag Archives: self-esteem

What to do With Myself?

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I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have trouble looking into my eyes in a mirror. I tried self-talk . . . maybe regain self-worth. That didn’t work out well. Why can’t I look myself in the eyes?

I’m coming out of an initial “bout” of bipolar 2. I woke up and was full of energy, ideas, and plans. The mania began. I had no idea.
A year and a half later, I fell into deep depression and stayed there for another three years. Yes, really.

Being treated for depression only doesn’t work if you have a bipolar disorder. Ya need a mood stabilizer as well. Didn’t know I had this disorder, so I was spinning in place. Who’d have thought that initial period of weight-loss, extreme exercise, pricey vacations, thoughtless spending, job-hopping, college-flunking, divorcing-a-25-year-husband, taking up with a stranger, drinking, smoking, and other energy-filled activities was actually mania?!

I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself. The old mind is finally coming out of the clouds . . . the fog that encircled my reality. Now I want to know what my reality is. All of the self-evaluation is exhausting, but I see progress in ridding myself of self-hatred.

My mind feels as though it has been shaken and now has small fissures from the traumatic event. The cracks don’t completely heal, however. I’ll be “full o’ fissures” from now on. The injustice makes me mad. In fact, lots of things make me fricking mad. I’ve been over the facts a million times. They don’t change.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Don’t Try To Make Me Feel Bad

I frustrated someone today because I was excited about this quarter’s classes being almost finished and about being excited that half of my assigned caseload is finished.  Yes, I love the subject of my career, Mortuary Science. So, why am I not able to freely share my excitement, within limits? He referenced my “excitement” about “death” and suggested my needing to “tone it down” a bit.

Hmmm, that ain’t happening! Being almost 48 has afforded me the wisdom to know when someone is trying to force his/her opinions of appropriate behavior on me. I’ll decide what is appropriate for me, thanks.

I fight Major Depressive Disorder, (because of meds, merely) fleeting thoughts of suicide, and low self-esteem. I don’t need anything else to feel guilty about or to feel inadequate over.

So, after a brief period of “who do you think you are” thoughts, I’m still feeling okay. I’ll still go to school in the morning, happy to be there, happy to be studying mortuary sciences, and excited to be with new friends.

Not sorry if that makes anyone frustrated or angry. That, more than likely, means you are judgemental.

So, stop that!

😉

(Love y’all ~)