Someone recently asked me, “So, what is your 5-year plan?”
I remember just staring at him, not having an answer that pleased me. I shrugged my shoulders and half-smiled. We parted ways but his question stayed with me. What WAS my 5-year plan?”
I suppose I have plans but just don’t think that far ahead because I’ve been in the last year of college and working like a dog to finish. If I look up for long, I tend to lose my place and have to take extra time to find it again. So, I keep my head down and plug away at the homework, classes, and tests. I’ll get there. I graduate in 2 1/2 months. That’s all – about 10 weeks. I can do this. I keep telling myself that. All the while, I’ve dropped back into depression, gotten back on a mood med, and quit my new job. I’m keeping my head down, though, and only looking up long enough to watch where I’m heading.
I take the first of two portions of the National Board Exam (I’m in mortuary school) in about a week. I don’t think I’ll ever feel “ready,” though. It’s expensive if I have to retake it, too – like hundreds of dollars per section. 😦 Pressure, stress, anxiety, insomnia, and worry have been my companions for a couple of months now. I’m ready for it to be over. I want to enjoy life again. I want to read for pleasure again. But, yuck, I’ll have to get a job. Job should be a four-letter word! I want to travel instead.
So, what is my 5-year plan? To finish school, pass the exams, serve my year’s apprenticeship and become fully licensed as a funeral director and embalmer. Then, the other 3 1/2 years? I suppose my goal is to get very good at my job – knowledgeable and well-paid for it. Ha!
I try to take things a day at a time these days. Later I’ll consider what my future might look like.
Postpone or back peddle? That is my dilemma. I’ve missed two days of school this week (in my accelerated degree program, that is a lot) and am behind in already-difficult classes (chemistry, anatomy, restorative art, management, ethics, embalming). I’m having to change the dosage of my new antidepressant, so my mind is shot, and my body is extremely fatigued. Got up this morning, after new dosage of Prozac, and have been “to the bathroom” several times. Fought mild nausea and diarrhea. Yesterday, I just stayed in bed and cried or slept.
It’s a crappy way to live, but it could be much worse.
I had to inquire of the school’s admissions office about when these classes are offered again and about how much of my tuition I’d have returned if I couldn’t “do” this quarter. I’m waiting to hear back from her.
I can hardly believe I’m having to face this. I’ve waited since 1992 to go to this school.
I keep my head up (even if my eyes are turned downward). I have to. There is no other choice. It’s survival.
Now, I wait, I guess. I see how I feel, what my school tells me, and then I face the decision to postpone these classes or back peddle later to try to make the grade this quarter – somehow.
I’m sick of hearing myself. Honestly, I don’t know why my friends, family, and boyfriend are still hanging around me. Grrrrr!
I wish you all a wonderful day. I know mine is out there waiting to happen. Timing is a b!t*h sometimes, though.
Must be their second date. Time for him to see what she “does” for a living.
I wonder how many of my friends willl engage me in conversation now that I’m in mortuary school. I see why networking is big in this profession. No one else will gab with us!
What do YOU do for a living?
I frustrated someone today because I was excited about this quarter’s classes being almost finished and about being excited that half of my assigned caseload is finished. Yes, I love the subject of my career, Mortuary Science. So, why am I not able to freely share my excitement, within limits? He referenced my “excitement” about “death” and suggested my needing to “tone it down” a bit.
Hmmm, that ain’t happening! Being almost 48 has afforded me the wisdom to know when someone is trying to force his/her opinions of appropriate behavior on me. I’ll decide what is appropriate for me, thanks.
I fight Major Depressive Disorder, (because of meds, merely) fleeting thoughts of suicide, and low self-esteem. I don’t need anything else to feel guilty about or to feel inadequate over.
So, after a brief period of “who do you think you are” thoughts, I’m still feeling okay. I’ll still go to school in the morning, happy to be there, happy to be studying mortuary sciences, and excited to be with new friends.
Not sorry if that makes anyone frustrated or angry. That, more than likely, means you are judgemental.
So, stop that!
(Love y’all ~)