Tag Archives: marriage

New Relationship Advice

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Ever feel like you are living in a life that you didn’t plan?

Ever wonder how a spouse could hide negative traits so well for so long?

Ever wonder if you did the same type of hiding?

Women often are caught in a nasty web. They need personal fulfillment, want children, a career, and a doting husband. Guess what? Having it ALL is just not possible. That would mean perfection . . . which doesn’t exist.

Instead, we flail around – especially in our love relationships.  We hope for best, and then stick a toe in the water to test the chill factor. If the water’s warm, we go for it. If it’s tepid, we wait to see whether to step away or wade in.

If you got the warm water, and then jumped in face first, you might be regretting it before even a year’s anniversary arrives.

Please, ladies and young ladies, get to know Mr. Right before moving your pets in with him . . . before leaving your toothbrush next to his, and for god’s sake, live together long enough to realize his shortcomings!!! If I had it to do over (raising my kids), I’d not teach my kids to wait to have sex or to live with someone they loved before marriage. I would encourage it! Marriage is a huge step, and it’s expensive to reverse! So, do more than get your toe wet. Let your feet dangle in that water for the day while you chomp an apple and consider your future. There really is no rush – and if there is, get your life straight first before introducing a partner into it.

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(Welcome new subscribers! I see I’ve added about ten over the past week. Thank you for your interest. I’ll soon have a video blog on a YouTube station. I’ll print here when and where it will be).

 

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Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause?

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The following article is by blogger, Staness Jonekos, on the healthywomen.org site. See link at bottom of article.

Over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s or 60s — the menopause years — according to a recent survey conducted by AARP Magazine. Why are women running away from marriage?

I wasn’t even married when I slammed into menopause months before my wedding day at the age of 47. Despite being completely in love, I almost ran away and my fiance almost married bridezella!

Experts say the number one reason for divorce is lack of communication. My response from the ladies corner, “When everything you know to be normal is being kidnapped by changing hormones, communication may be last on the list. Throw in lifestyle changes, health and aging issues, and you are left in a small evaporating puddle of low self-esteem feeling hopeless.”

Many men blame lack of sex as the leading reason for midlife divorce. But is it? AARP poled 1,682 adults ages 45 and older on the importance of sex. Two-thirds of men (66 percent) and about half of women (48 percent) agreed that a satisfying sex life was important to their quality of life. That is only an 18 percent difference. So is it lack of sex, or a breakdown in communication chasing the women away?

Navigating a course in uncharted territory can test any relationship emotionally and sexually. It can also bring a couple closer — it did for me.

Purchasing midlife marriage insurance can help combat the unforeseen hazards during the menopause transition. How do you qualify for this love insurance? The first step is to understand how menopause can affect your love life.

Ladies first.

Menopause is a life transition that can affect you physically and emotionally. Your body is experiencing fluctuating hormones that can cause hot flashes, night sweats, itchy skin, migraine headaches, breast tenderness, vaginal dryness and irregular periods. Eighty percent of women will experience uncomfortable symptoms, and the majority struggle with midlife weight gain.

Many women feel unattractive going through so many uninvited changes. Some suffer from exhaustion, depression and moodiness leaving them feeling isolated and confused.

During menopause a woman’s brain also goes through changes. Dr. Louann Brizendine (author of The Female Brain) says, “The mommy brain unplugs. Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs.”
There are additional factors on top of fluctuating hormones that may contribute to a lack of communication and interest in sex.

Dr. Wendy Klein, co-author of The Menopause Makeover and leading menopause expert, informed me, “If a woman is taking medications, such as antidepressants, mood stabilizers, contraceptive drugs, antihistamines, sedatives, antihypertensives and/or medications for blood pressure, this can also decrease sexual desire.”

Midlife stresses brought on by career change, the loss of a loved one, empty nest syndrome or caring for elderly parents can contribute to a declining libido.

Throw in aging issues and the last thing on a menopausal woman’s mind is communicating. This woman is in self-survival mode, and may be in no mood to connect or make whoopi.

If she is in an unsupported relationship while managing this collection of changes, leaving the marriage may appear like her only salvation.

Gentlemen — your turn.

How many factors listed above is your partner experiencing? It is no surprise why men are afraid of menopause. His woman is changing in front of his eyes.

Women are not alone suffering from changes. Men also have midlife challenges, both physically and emotionally. Declining testosterone can affect libido, moods and sexual performance. Generally a man’s hormones change gradually compared to the woman’s experience during menopause, so it may not be obvious to the man that he too is changing. Some of these unwelcomed changes may include midlife stress, as well as health and aging issues. If both partners are experiencing change, the relationship may be on an emotional roller coaster.

Approximately 47 percent of women experience sexual difficulties with a decrease of sexual desire being the most common, according to the National Health and Social Survey and the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors.

It is no surprise that most men associate menopause with having less sex. But, it does not have to be this way. The man can actually help save a shaky midlife marriage with some handy tools to power charge the relationship. Women who have a supportive partner often have a smoother transition through menopause. When she is happy, he is happy.

Acquiring midlife marriage insurance takes action to make a difference.

Midlife Marriage Insurance For Him
1. Listen to her; don’t criticize or try to fix her.
2. Go with the flow; be prepared for mood swings.
3. Be compassionate, and validate her experience (that means agree with her, don’t try to fix her).
4. Be romantic. Bring her flowers for no reason. Make her dinner. Give her a massage. Make it about HER.
5. Cuddle more. Tell her you love her and that she is beautiful. You may just get lucky. If not, do not take it personally.
6. If YOU are not in the mood, keep her company shopping, she will love the company ;)
7. Support healthy eating and exercise choices. Join her for a walk or go on a hunting expedition at the grocery store to find new healthy foods.
8. Don’t ignore her menopause symptoms. Talk about it. Ask her what she needs to feel better.
9. Offer support if she needs to visit her healthcare provider to discuss menopause symptoms, a low libido or depression.
10. If numbers one through nine fail – disappear for a while. She may be seriously cranky and need space to focus on herself.

Success depends on going through this transition as a team! Both partners must contribute to have a successful marriage.

Midlife Marriage Insurance For Her
1. Track menopause symptoms and discuss treatment options with your healthcare provider.
2. Make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. Exercise most days of the week. Eat nutritious meals. Watch portions.
3. Update your beauty regimen.
4. Build a support group.
5. Communicate with your partner. Don’t shut him out – let him know what you need. Understand he may be confused by your changes.
6. If you are not happy in your current relationship, discuss counseling.
7. Be receptive to creative adjustments in lovemaking activities.
8. If your libido is low and/or you are suffering from vaginal dryness, discuss your treatment options with your healthcare practitioner. There are hormone and non-hormone options available.
9. Pamper yourself.
10. Try to stay positive.

Communicate, support each other’s needs, get counseling if needed, add romance, adjust lovemaking activities, and your odds increase that your marriage will survive menopause. Being on the same team will nourish a healthy, loving relationship that can last a lifetime.

Life is constantly changing, and marriage is no different. Have real expectations, and acknowledge that your relationship goes through transitions. This will help you weather difficult times.

Midlife is an opportunity for both men and women. If you are prepared, informed and willing, your marriage can survive menopause. A loving relationship supported with good communication can strengthen your love life at any age.

This menopausal bride made it down the aisle of love. Both my partner and I said “I do” to communication and romance during menopause. We are still happily married five years later and ready to leap over the seven-year itch together.

 

 

 

www.healthywomen.org/content/blog-entry/will-your-marriage-survive-menopause

Secrets

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I was married for 25 years and admit to keeping secrets from my husband. I’m single now and keep secrets from my boyfriend. I don’t share every single thing I know or do with my partner. I’m an independant individual; why would I need to tell all I know to the person nearest me?

Are you wondering what “kind” of secrets I kept/keep? Some are small; some are large. They’re secrets, so I can’t tell you. 😉

The purpose of this blog post is to ask you if you agree that keeping secrets in your relationships is indeed “normal.” Does everyone do it? Are there times you fib about how much money you spent at a store? When we keep a secret, we lie by omission or overtly. The two Os.

Are you a secret-keeper? Is your partner?

 

I Do Not Need A Man To Make Me Happy!

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Divorce has been tough these last several years. A new relationship after that has become stale and sad, as well.

I have always been fearful of being alone/lonely. I hated it when I first divorced, and dusk was the worst!

Well, I’m a little older and realizing that I’d rather have social engagements with friends and girl friends than having to live with a man who isn’t as committed to my happiness as I am to his.

So . . . it’s the beginning of a new era for me. The time of courage, branching out, change, and happiness.

Wish me luck. It’s an uphill climb.

Love you, my readers, my friends

 

Divorce Rates Among the Graying Population

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The divorce rate among those 50 and over – so-called “gray divorces” – has more than doubled over the last two decades, according to a study released this year by sociologists at Bowling Green State University.

That study, called “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” predicted the number of post 50 divorces could easily surpass 800,000 per year by 2030. In comparison, more than 600,000 people age 50 and older got divorced in 2009 – or one in four; in 1990, only one in 10 people 50 and older got divorced.

The study also found that those over 50 in a second or third marriage (as opposed to a first) have a 150 percent greater likelihood of divorcing.

The issue of gray divorces has been in the spotlight recently thanks to the breakup of long-time celebrity couple Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, who split this year following 30 years of marriage. But plenty of other celebrity couples have called it quits including Jessica Lange and actor-writer Sam Shepard, who parted ways in 2009 after 27 years together, as well as Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, who split in 2009 after 23 years together.

Licensed psychotherapist Rachel Sussman (author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce”) said there are many reasons behind the uptick in gray divorces.

“Boomers’ quest for happiness in their lives, empty nest, women working and having more financial independence and confidence, people living longer … all are reasons,” she said.

Other experts point to the ability of people to easily reconnect with those from their past via social media — as well as hook up with potential partners via online dating sites — as a contributing factor. Indeed the number of dating-site users 50 or older has grown twice as fast as any other age group over the past year, according to comScore.com.

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“People divorcing in their 50s have made it through the raising-little-kids-boot-camp phase of marriage when no one gets their needs met but the children,” said Pamela Zivari, an attorney and conflict resolution professional. “Fifty-year-olds leave usually not because of a tragedy, but because they are unfulfilled.

“Unlike people in their 30s and 40s who want to start over from the very beginning, divorcing 50-year=olds have usually made a sober assessment, ‘does this relationship, on balance, bring me enough happiness and security that I will forego the heartbreak and uncertainty I would create for all the family members if I decided to jump ship at this stage?’” she said.

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According to a 2004 AARP survey, 66 percent of divorces among people ages 40 to 69 are initiated by women.  The same survey found that infidelity wasn’t the overriding catalyst. Just 27 percent of those seeking a gray divorce cited infidelity among their top three reasons for doing so — which is on par with estimates of infidelity as a factor in divorce in the general population.

(This article is in full presentation at the link below. This blog merely presents portions of the longer article. It is not my original writing but that of huffingtonpost.com)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/01/saving-your-marriage-how-_n_2015943.html#slide=more226917

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(My addition)

Still-successful celebrity marriages are an encouragement. See some of them below:

Denzel and Pauletta Washington – 29 years

Billy and Janice Crystal – 42 years

Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara – 58 year

Samuel L. Jackson and LaTanya Richardson  – 32 Years

Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach -31 Years

Ann-Margret and Roger Smith -45 Years

Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel -35 Years (talk and great sex)

Mark Harmon and Pam Dawber – 25 years

Sissy Spacek and Jack Fisk – 38 years

Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross – 28 years

Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss – 51 years

Meryl Streep and Don Gummer – 34 years

Bill and Camille Cosby – 48 years

Alan and Arlene Alda – 55 years

Christopher and Georgianne Walken – 43 years

The 5 Love Languages

Do you believe the claims that there are several different “love languages?” I’d never put much thought into it until I realized my marriage was over. Not that knowing the different ways people process and show love was foreign to me. Of course I noticed that.

After being married for a quarter of a century, I concluded that there was no changing my spouse’s innate qualities. He would never be demonstrative, impulsive, affectionate, or have a positive attitude. If I wanted to be happy in my own skin, I had to make the break.

There are supposedly 5 Love Languages (according to author, Gary Chapman). He says we should speak our spouse’s love language if we are to be effective communicators. An example might be if my husband regularly takes out the trash, puts the lid down on the toilet after he uses it, puts his dirty laundry in the hamper and not on the floor, etc, then he is showing his love by actions that make my life easier. However, I couldn’t care less if the clothes were in the hamper if I never get a kiss, a stroke of soft hand to my face, or an invitation to the bedroom.

Do you see our differences in love language? It never made things easier, though. I never felt loved like I needed to feel. Husband wasn’t comfortable showing me love in the manner I desired. It would have been “fake” or “forced” for him to do so.

So, why does Mr Chapman tell us to communicate in our spouse’s particular love language instead of telling us to choose someone who speaks our OWN language in the first place? ‘Another example – I wouldn’t marry a German-speaking man. We would have great difficulties in communication. In love or not, our lives would be stressed and likely unhappy in the end.

So, are you one who shows love by Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch?

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Check out Mr Chapman’s book, if you are interested in hearing more. It’s a good read. Fosters tolerance if nothing else.