Tag Archives: love

I Know Why Peope Fall Out Of Love

“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!” Dean Martin sang about how new love felt.  Falling in love is magical, isn’t it? We just KNOW this time is THE time. THIS person is THE person. And he/she may be – for a particular time in your life.

Love doesn’t always last, and its retreat can leave us bewildered, confused or downright depressed (Laura Schaefer, Why We Fall Out of Love).

I was married for 25 years, and most of those years were happy ones. However, upon being jolted from my walking slumber (when my daughter moved out of the family home), I realized that my marriage was something I didn’t like very much.

Without going into a bunch of details, which will bore you, I’ll share my experience. My then-husband was the man of my dreams when I married him (I wasn’t even 19 yet). We were good for each other and raised two super children together. However, as time passed and WE CHANGED, our marriage changed.

Here’s the big answer: People change over time. They may not change enough to warrant divorce, as I did. But, about half the population divorces, so SOMEthing’s changing in these relationships.

I don’t think I gave up too easily, as several may say. I just know when a ship is sinking. Why feed a dying entity? Yes, it was extremely painful to say good-bye to my lifetime friend and companion. But now, four years later, I’m in a loving relationship with an affectionate and funny man. I’m finishing school to do the one profession I’ve always wanted to do. And I’ve relocated to a city that offers lots of goodies. I’m also not as far from my son or parents. Life’s good.

I admit, I was a zombie for about two years. I flunked out of college twice, developed severe depression (which I still fight), and “lost” those many months of productivity, as I lived on my divorce settlement. I wish I hadn’t had to do that.

So, I know why people fall out of love – they change! Change is part of every person’s life. We all know that. Of course, if a spouse cheats or otherwise neglects the other, that’s a valid reason to drift apart, but I don’t call it a mystery that many people fall out of love. It’s unfortuate, but it’s a fact.

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(Spread the love, my friends. We all need some)

 

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

Physical beauty. I used to have it and the attention it evoked from other people. I never had to carry my own packages to the car, pick up a dropped purse, or wait for long in line. People bent over backwards to be my friend or show me positive attention.

So, I don’t want to hear a “beautiful person” say they have it bad. I’m now much older and much rounder. I’ve aged, as well. I don’t command the attention from others as I once did. So, I can say I’ve been on both sides of the beauty vs average comparison.

I’d much prefer the beauty. I’m thinking about crash dieting (not the unhealthy kind, but just veggies, beans, and fruits) to lose a lot of weight, so I can once again be more accepted in society. No, it isn’t fair, and I have lived many years as an overweight woman to try to “prove” something to myself. The only thing I proved was that beauty still wins.

Yes, I have a quirky personality and draw others to me. I truly love other people, though, and I think it shows.

Deborah Rhode, a law professor at Stanford University, cited a survey in which over half of young women said they would prefer to be hit by a truck than be fat. (The Economist, 8/27/11). That is more true than people think. I asked some of my own girl friends that question. I said, “Really dumb or really ugly?” All took being beautiful and dumb over being intelligent and ugly.

(Psychology Today, Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature, By Alan S. Miller, Ph.D., Satoshi Kanazawa, Ph.D., published on July 01, 2007 – last reviewed on June 18, 2009)

Men like blond bombshells (and women want to look like them)

Women’s desire to look like Barbie—young with small waist, large breasts, long blond hair, and blue eyes—is a direct, realistic, and sensible response to the desire of men to mate with women who look like her. There is evolutionary logic behind each of these features.

Men prefer young women in part because they tend to be healthier than older women. One accurate indicator of health is physical attractiveness; another is hair. Healthy women have lustrous, shiny hair, whereas the hair of sickly people loses its luster. Because hair grows slowly, shoulder-length hair reveals several years of a woman’s health status.

Men also have a universal preference for women with a low waist-to-hip ratio. They are healthier and more fertile than other women; they have an easier time conceiving a child and do so at earlier ages because they have larger amounts of essential reproductive hormones. Thus men are unconsciously seeking healthier and more fertile women when they seek women with small waists.

Men may prefer women with large breasts for the same reason they prefer women with small waists. A new study of Polish women shows that women with large breasts and tight waists have the greatest fecundity, indicated by their levels of two reproductive hormones (estradiol and progesterone).

Blond hair is unique in that it changes dramatically with age. Typically, young girls with light blond hair become women with brown hair. Thus, men who prefer to mate with blond women are unconsciously attempting to mate with younger (and hence, on average, healthier and more fecund) women. It is no coincidence that blond hair evolved in Scandinavia and northern Europe, probably as an alternative means for women to advertise their youth, as their bodies were concealed under heavy clothing.

Women with blue eyes should not be any different from those with green or brown eyes. Yet preference for blue eyes seems both universal and undeniable—in males as well as females. One explanation is that the human pupil dilates when an individual is exposed to something that she likes. For instance, the pupils of women and infants (but not men) spontaneously dilate when they see babies. Pupil dilation is an honest indicator of interest and attraction. And the size of the pupil is easiest to determine in blue eyes. Blue-eyed people are considered attractive as potential mates because it is easiest to determine whether they are interested in us or not.

The irony is that none of the above is true any longer. Through face-lifts, wigs, liposuction, surgical breast augmentation, hair dye, and color contact lenses, any woman, regardless of age, can have many of the key features that define ideal female beauty. And men fall for them. Men can cognitively understand that many blond women with firm, large breasts are not actually 15 years old, but they still find them attractive because their evolved psychological mechanisms are fooled by modern inventions that did not exist in the ancestral environment.

So, my summation is, if you look good, you have it easier finding a partner in life. If you look good, you are treated positively; people are more willing to be friends with you, trust you more, be more open to you. People who look good have better chances at moving up in companies than unattractive people. I know these things from experience – either my own or friends’.

As sad as it is, I’m going to buy into our society’s preferences, and I’m going to get healthy and look good again. Yes, it’s shallow to judge others by appearance, but appearance is also the first way to size up an individual. Fact is fact. We all do this sizing up when we meet someone.

It’s off to the kitchen for me. I’m making a low-cal dinner. Ciao till next time!

The 5 Love Languages

Do you believe the claims that there are several different “love languages?” I’d never put much thought into it until I realized my marriage was over. Not that knowing the different ways people process and show love was foreign to me. Of course I noticed that.

After being married for a quarter of a century, I concluded that there was no changing my spouse’s innate qualities. He would never be demonstrative, impulsive, affectionate, or have a positive attitude. If I wanted to be happy in my own skin, I had to make the break.

There are supposedly 5 Love Languages (according to author, Gary Chapman). He says we should speak our spouse’s love language if we are to be effective communicators. An example might be if my husband regularly takes out the trash, puts the lid down on the toilet after he uses it, puts his dirty laundry in the hamper and not on the floor, etc, then he is showing his love by actions that make my life easier. However, I couldn’t care less if the clothes were in the hamper if I never get a kiss, a stroke of soft hand to my face, or an invitation to the bedroom.

Do you see our differences in love language? It never made things easier, though. I never felt loved like I needed to feel. Husband wasn’t comfortable showing me love in the manner I desired. It would have been “fake” or “forced” for him to do so.

So, why does Mr Chapman tell us to communicate in our spouse’s particular love language instead of telling us to choose someone who speaks our OWN language in the first place? ‘Another example – I wouldn’t marry a German-speaking man. We would have great difficulties in communication. In love or not, our lives would be stressed and likely unhappy in the end.

So, are you one who shows love by Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch?

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Check out Mr Chapman’s book, if you are interested in hearing more. It’s a good read. Fosters tolerance if nothing else.

 

 

 

Friends

I just wrote a long blog about how I value my friends. I even listed the women who hold a special place in my heart and life. I was pleased with the finished product. Then, I lost every word when I hit the “publish” button.

I sat in silence, wanting to throw my external drive at the wall. Instead, I sighed audibly (resulting in looks from my two cats). Then, I questioned whether the subject of friends was what I wanted to rewrite. Was it important or a female fluff piece?

It’s important. Yes, this applies to you. Keep reading.

Friends, don’t let time slip away from you. Tell those you love that you DO love them. Show them. DO something for them to make their lives easier or happier. My daddy killed himself in 1987. My children were 3 andf 1. I celebrated my son’s first birthday five days after daddy’s funeral.

My grandma died suddenly of an aortic anneurism. She was gone in half an hour. I didn’t get to say good-bye.

My grandpa smothered to death in a hospital room. Emphysema robbed him of the one thing no one else could give enough of. Plain old air.

My beloved aunt had advanced, type I diabetes and passed away at age 38. Blind, feeble, and still holding hope she’d improve. She’d lost so much weight, she said she could soon get up and around and fit into a tiny pair of cute jeans. It broke my heart when she died two weeks later.

Life is a mixture of heartbreak and joy.

Joy has come (and still does) in many forms. I find great joy in people. I love my cats and a friend’s baby raccoon. I love picking a fresh blackberry from a summer bush and feeling the warm, sweet juice on my tongue. Simple things give me pleasure – a snowy day. Fall leaves. Swimming in the salty ocean. A ripe tomato from my own vines.

When I was younger, I was too busy to see many things. I had babies to feed, a husband to listen to, and household chores to complete. Now, I live alone, am a student, and enjoy a relaxed life.

Coffee today was with my great pal, Nik. She is a delight. Her face glows from the humor and kindness within her. We laughed and drank cold coffees. We shared stories, as she has been out of state for several weeks. I left the coffee shop feeling renewed and thankful.

My friend, J, is also a source of happiness. She and I have shared many stories and even more raw truths about ourselves.

Why don’t men forge such bonds with one another? I have only known a few men who have ONE good friend, much less a few. It’s sad really.

So, my lost blog post has been a blessing. This one was much more satisfying to write.

😉