Tag Archives: love

Emotional Detachment Can be Good for You

Time away to process her thoughts

 

(By Esther Neptune on keen.com)

 

Valentine’s season is right around the corner!  Every year, I listen to friends describe the hopes, dreams and expectations they have for this wonderful month of love. But what happens if those expectations are unmet?  How do you deal with the negative emotions that result?

Learning how to detach from your emotions, and look at them under the microscope, can help maintain your love for self in the wake of disappointment.  This can apply to situations outside of our love lives as well.

What is Detachment?

The Oxford Dictionary defines detachment as “a state of being objective or aloof.” Objectivity calls us to think outside the box of emotions and consider life as it is, rather than how we would want it to be. Aloofness is a state of tuning out emotionally and is more avoidant than objectivity.

When is Attachment Unhealthy?

We are all attached to people, places, goals, ambitions and statuses in our lives. To some degree, this is normal and healthy. It becomes unhealthy when potential loss creates negative emotions that interfere with our daily lives.

For example, let’s say you went out on a date and got to know a very interesting person. You exchange thoughtful conversation and have a great deal in common. You haven’t felt this connected to anyone in years!

After the date, you don’t hear from the person for three days. You are frantic, anxious, and obsessed with when you may hear from him next. Relief hits when you hear back. However, the cycle has potential to start over again if those fears aren’t addressed.

 

How Do I Know if I’m Too Attached?

Let’s start first by examining what happens in normal attachments. When you care about someone, it’s healthy to wonder from time to time how they are doing. It is also healthy to send out intentions to the Universe on their behalf for their well-being.

Excessive attachment is when a person, status, or goal becomes your entire reason for being. These issues may be rooted in childhood. For example, a young lady struggling to win approval in her career as an adult have been chided by her parents for not bringing home a report card with straight A’s. Feeling the failure of this disappointment, she continues to beat up on herself, which further depletes her energy.

How Do I Practice Detachment?

  1. Take Inventory

The first step is to do an inventory of people, places, and things in one’s life that may have become all-consuming. Try to be as candid and honest with yourself as possible while making this list. Remember that you can’t change what you don’t bring to light with yourself.

  1. Analyze Your Attachment Patterns

After taking inventory, analyze the patterns of who and what you attach most to. Are the people in your life that you gravitate towards those you can “rescue” or “save?” Or are you repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable people? Are the jobs, goals and careers you pursue either too easy or too difficult?

  1. Ground Yourself

Develop a relationship with a Higher Power of your own understanding. This can go outside the boundaries of religious tradition. When a person makes this decision, it lessens the degree of unhealthy attachment.

  1. Be Inspired by Everyday Life

Take a walk. Go shopping. Go out to eat and mingle with the wait staff. The bottom line is to make sure you’re doing something daily that breaks the mold of your routine. Choose to incorporate activities that don’t hinge on expectations of anyone else. Embrace the uncertainty rather than hold onto the “certain,” because life is never certain!

  1. Practice Daily Self-Love Rituals

Remember that if you choose to love yourself first, healthy attachments with others will naturally follow. Choose to do one loving, positive thing for yourself daily.  Get a massage, take an Epsom salt bath, exercise, eat well!

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Never Say Never . . . Heaven Can Happen To YOU!

hearts_white

I catch myself admiring my new wedding ring set – in disbelief I’ve found a man worthy of my devotion.

I watch him sleep – pure rest. no stress. for almost 60, he looks good – handsome in a rugged way. A Tommy Lee Jones way.

We’ve been married for a month in two more days. Every day is full of affection, smiles, humor, kindness, and happiness.

He is planning travels for us. Hawaii, The East Coast, Florida beaches, Italy – wherever the urge and a military plane takes us!

He loves my cats – truly loves cats. Not “tolerates” and not “fakes it.” It’s a fantastic plus in our relationship.

We like each other’s family members. Some more than others, of course. 😉

We have many friends and do much with them. Dancing, dining, bingo nights, parties, cookouts, and fundraisers.

My love has MS and battles many physical challenges daily. I massage his painful muscles with coconut oil until I see his face relax, and he is all but pain free . . . and can finally sleep. This gives me great satisfaction to be able to help him this way.

His family doesn’t keep in touch, and it hurts him. He has much love to give. Some family members use him like a bank. Others ignore him all together, and this is a man like no other I’ve ever met. Impeccable character and would give his last meal to someone in need.

I watch him as he plays games mindlessly on his iPad. How his fingers move gracefully across the screen. The way his glasses rest on the lower end of his nose. I love that man.

He served as an Air Force Tech Sargent until retirement – full – with full disability, as well. He worked hard and served eagerly. He loves his country and helps veterans at the local American Legion in a leadership position.

I love to hear his military stories. His passion for what he did and for those who learned under his leadership.

I find true peace in my life since being with my new husband. I haven’t had that in a long time. We have much in common. He shares everything he has, and I do, as well. We hide nothing from each other. It’s refreshing and rewarding.

We agreed to devote ourselves to making each other happy and comfortable every day of our lives from now on. What a way to live. I am “retired” at age 51 so I can be with him and enjoy our time together while we’re both still healthy and able to go places and do things. I’d say I’m blessed indeed.

I’ve had two incredible husbands in my life. How many women can say that? They were very different but both have been wonderful in their own ways. Yes, I am indeed blessed.

Thank you, God.

I now lay my head on a soft pillow and listen to Nat King Cole while I drift off. Husband sleeps next to me, cuddling several pillows and looking peaceful. Never did I see myself happy again or in love again. Never did I see myself financially secure again or in a real “home” again.

Never say never . . .

Canon in D

girl_plays_piano

Canon in D begins streaming into my ears. I am in my kitchen, before the divorce, before my babies grew up and left home, before I developed a chronic case of severe depression. I stand barefoot on the pine floor, piano notes rise like fragrant flowers from our basement. I close my eyes and absorb the pleasure the old piano offers. My daughter plays and plays very well. She has natural musical talent; it moves me every time she plays. My heart lifts, and my soul is soothed.

Then I am back in reality; there were no children in the house. I wasn’t even in the house. I sat alone in a coffee shop, listening to songs from a website. Despite my effort to stay composed in public, tears, like little refugees from unbearable circumstances, escaped my eyes, and my heart ached.

Thank you, my daughter and my son, for making my life meaningful and overflowing with good memories.

mom_and_kids

10 Ways to Live with a Jerk

jerkzone

 

1)      Stay very busy so you don’t have to address him often. Work, hobbies, outings with friends or family, outings alone, yard work, etc. will keep you occupied and productive.

2)      Pretend he is just a roommate who pays “rent” each week. The income is pretty nice.

3)      Plan ahead to reach your ultimate goals. Education, job, living arrangements. Write down what you want/need and then follow – step by step. Once you turn the boat over, chaos will ensue, so have a plan first.

4)      Meet with a good friend and vent when you need to release steam or seek advice. Or try blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever.

5)      Stop thinking about how things “should” be. They are what they are.

6)      Improve yourself – physically, mentally, and spiritually. You are deserving of wonderful things.

7)      Love on your cats or dogs. They love you unconditionally and like when you show them you feel the same.

8)      Speak to the jerk when passing in the hallway, meeting in the kitchen, or sitting in the same room.

9)      Learn to un-care about said jerk. What once was love has obviously become a convenience of living arrangements – sharing the bills so to speak.

10)   Realize that you are worthy of real love and a partner who will dote on you and appreciate you.

 

Get out ASAP if there is violence but if not, and you want to plan a smoother exit route, follow the steps above.

I am not a medical professional. Do not consider my advice as professional.  😉

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What Do You Choose?

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Choices – that’s what life is – choices

 

What do I want . . . for lunch, to do on my day off, to watch on TV, to stand for, to leave for my children, to weigh, to do with my hair, to do about politics, etc

Who do I  . . . love, trust, respect, care whether they like me, help, learn from, teach, laugh with, cook for, clean up after, believe, get to fix my car, etc

Where do I  . . . call home, go when I die, want to eat, shop, go to school, try to find a job, dance, sing, cry, etc

When do I . . . call it quits, speak up for my beliefs, tell the truth, tell a lie, begin living the life I’m supposed to live,  stop denying/abusing and start facing, get a turn to be happy AND secure financially at the same time, etc

Why do I . . . second guess myself, think others have more rights than I, assume things, not feel pride at who I am, want to go back to being ignorantly in the dark and not a responsible woman, love cats so much, seem captivated by mermaids, love the ocean, love fried oysters, love to write, love to love, etc

 

Just look how many choices there are in life. These questions only covered a fraction of what our minds process daily. Just taking care of our basic needs is a balancing act!

choices2

 

I am exhausted at the end of some days just by how many things my mind had to organize and compartmentalize. Being a college student and a woman in the throes of perimenopaue is hard enough. On top of it all, I must deal with good friends who are either divorcing, have financial troubles, or are physically ill. Life ain’t easy! How easy it would be to accidentally jump the tracks! But I want to BE here for the friends and family I love. I want to make a difference in their lives – even if I’m “busy.”

choices3

 

Now for some strategies on HOW TO DEAL!

Do you think we are put here to serve a higher calling? Perhaps some of us are naturals at nurturing, teaching, fixing all things mechanical, listening. Others may be able to give monetary help, offer prayer, or spend an afternoon a week with someone who needs a friend.

The point is that no matter how “busy” we are, if we choose to make time to help someone else . . . we are 100% better for having done it, and the other person is, as well! THAT is what life is about – not plodding along day after day to make our wages and to live for the week-ends.

There is SO much more to us than we ever give away! Instead of feeling fatigued by having to give of myself, I am energized! Try it, please. You’ll make new friends, learn some things about yourself and others, and much more. Remember Forrest Gump? He took every opportunity to say YES to whatever came his way. Remember the movie Yes Man? Same idea. Remember Pay it Forward? Let’s get off our ever-fattening American butts and improve a few lives around us.

It’s all about our choices. I choose to be helpful, loving, trusting (even if I get hurt sometimes), and present in my life.

What do you choose?

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s a Heart!

 

heart1

This is how I feel about Valentine’s Day this year. It’s all about the real heart. What is this symbol of love and emotion anyway? It’s a muscle so strong that it doesn’t stop beating – ever. The average heart beats over 2  1/2 billion times in a lifetime, and it only weighs about 11 ounces.

Your healthy heart pumps 2,000 gallons of blood through 60,000 miles of blood vessels each and every day! Want a real-life example? A kitchen faucet would need to be turned on full force for at least 45 years to equal the amount of blood pumped by the heart in an average lifetime. Grab a tennis ball and squeeze it tightly: that’s how hard the beating heart works to pump blood.

heartBecause the heart has its own electrical impulse, it can continue to beat  even when separated from the body, as long as it has an adequate supply of    oxygen. Ever wonder where the thump-thump sound comes from when your heart beats? It’s the sound of the four valves closing! Cool, huh?

Our society has accepted that cocaine is “everywhere.” This drug is more dangerous to your heart than you may think. Cocaine affects the heart’s electrical activity and causes spasms of the arteries which can lead to a heart attack or stroke, even in healthy people.

 

So, if you wondered just what that fairly small muscle really does – now ya know!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

(Thanks randomhistory.com!)

Her Eyeball Popped Out

fake_eyeball

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye goes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies …’You just happened to catch my eye.’

 

Thank You

I’m in a mood of reflection – probably due to the recent places I’ve found myself. As a writer, the first thing I do to decompress, open up, or share passion is to write. I’m glad I have this outlet. It has been one of the things that kept my head above water.

It’s a season of thanks. Since my family and dear friends read this blog – as well as my kind-hearted and intelligent blog friends – I’ll tell a few of my thanks below, and by no means is this a complete list!

(Thank you blog readers for your comments and your visits to my world. I enjoy yours as well.)

Thank you Jerry for keeping me alive when nothing and no one else could. You actually kept me alive. Do you know how big that is?

Thank you Mama for staying with me through the enveloping swamp-days and for being the only person on earth who could talk me back to reality during my downs. I wish I had truly known what a jewel you were all the years I was young and blinded to a mother’s dedication.

Thank you Sarah for just being the soft-hearted and kind woman you are. I can hardly believe your age and that I had a hand in your development. It’s my finest accomplishment – you and your brother. Your daily texts or calls make my life complete. A mother just wants to be wanted and loved back.

Thank you Ben for the funny, loving man you are. I look at you and see in your eyes that boy I fell in love with 26 years ago. No man has held my heart as you have and will always do. You have had your own heartaches and disappointments. I am proud of you.

Thank you Jeff for raising me as well as our children. I didn’t turn out as positively as the kids did. I have always been hard-headed. No amount of words can undo my actions to you, so I’ll not insult you by trying. You’ll always be family to me.

Thank you Rexx for treating me like a daughter when my own father wasn’t around. I feel like I really am your daughter, and that’s thicker than blood. Thank you for loving my mama with all your heart. She adores you.

Thank you Mary and Leslie and Jan and Becky and Ann – You ladies were my friends no matter what stupid things I did to myself or others. You were always there with an encouraging word and an offer to get together. I’ve been a bad friend, but I hope to improve on that.

Thank you to Jeff P for giving me a chance to re-enter the working world and get my feet wet again. You give me a great opportunity and you don’t even realize it. This is my coming back . . . my re-entry into the atmosphere again after a long absence in space. You have no idea what it means to me.

Thank you facebook friends whom I’ve never laid eyes on, but who still support me with words and smiley faces and farmville gifts. 😉

Thank you Daniel and Megan for marrying my “babies” and for making them so very happy. And thank you for the grandkids!

Honestly, if you are reading this blog, I’m thankful for you. Please have a safe and relaxing Thanksgiving.

Mr. Right

I have a very romantic and thoughtful boyfriend. I share this with my readers because some may wonder if a man like Jerry actually exists. He puts up with a lot from me. I am not moody on purpose. It’s perimenopause, depression, and life’s general ups and downs at the moment. I’m 47 and feeling it.

Whomever said older is wiser . . . is makin’ me mad.

 I’ve been moody for over a week. Close to two weeks, actually. Jekyll and Hyde-ish. My boyfriend is a saint. He drew me a bath, filled with bubbles, and he lit a candle near the edge of the tub. Taking my hand in his, he led me to the warm bathroom. The hot water dissolved the day’s tension from my neck and shoulders. The bubbles tickled my nose and got my cat playing with them. It was soothing. Just what I needed. How did he know?

Another time Jerry showed his thoughtfulness (in spite of my nastiness) was on a beach vacation we took in 2008. Our condo was on the third floor and faced the ocean. Nothing between us and the water except white Destin sand. After Jerry and I had a small argument, I huffed to the bed and buried my head under a pillow. He put on his swimsuit and grabbed a towel and left. I wanted to go to the water. Why didn’t he ask me? Jerk! About thirty minutes later, he came  back. He busied himself in the kitchen while I went to the large patio to sip a cold Sprite. Couples held hands and walked along the water’s edge. Children yelled and splashed in the bluegreen water. My gaze caught a pattern in the sand below my balcony. There, in five-foot letters, were the words “I love Ree.” That’s me! My nickname anyway. Jerry had expressed his love in the sand where every single condo resident could see it. My jewel of a man had once again surprised me.

He does laundry, cleans the kitchen, cooks dinners, vacuums, and takes out the trash. What a help! So, single ladies, there is hope. Good men are out there.  😉