For the first time, I’m waking up in the morning and heading to a week’s training for a nonprofit organization’s 11-month program. I’ll need to train in different areas to be effective in my position. I am excited and scared at the same time.
It’s like the first day of school again. Can I actually DO this job? Will I show people that I’m really dumb behind this smile? Can I learn quickly enough? I have to share my room with another woman, will I snore too much with this awful head cold? How embarrassing. Will I sleep at all? I do have insomnia.
If I focus on the positive difference I can make in others’ lives, I will do well. If I focus on learning fire safety, CPR, First Aid, teaching skills, etc – then when I teach them to others, I will be effective. That’s how I’ll get through this frightening and intimidating period.
There was a time not so long ago that I dove head first into projects – never questioning whether I would be able to finish them or do a good job. I just “knew.”
However, with age and a few failures behind me, I am tentative in approaching new situations. I don’t like this about myself but maybe it’s offering less room for mistakes.
Since a divorce, I’m out of touch with my physical self (gained weight and unsure on my feet) and out of synch with my “new life.”
A friend told me to take my days one at a time. To take my hours one at a time. To not think of ten miles up the road but of right now. That is good advice, I think.
What do I want from my life now that I’m in the last half of it? I want to be of service to people in need. I want to be a decent mother to my grown kids. I’d like to be an attentive daughter. I’d love to stop being afraid of every flippin’ thing around me, too. It gets very old – especially when you aren’t used to feeling that way (my life took a 180 about 5 years ago, and I have been on shifting ground since).
So, I’ll pack tonight, get up at 4:30 in the morning, shower off the fear and slip into comfy clothes. I’ll enter my training with willingness to learn, eagerness to make new friends, and determination to keep fear locked in the heel of my shoe – where it can’t access ANYone. 😉