Tag Archives: fear

There’s a Ghost in my Photograph!

I’ve never believed in spirits or otherworldly things . . . until two days ago. I’ve been on this earth for 53 years and am, for the first time, freaked out by a spiritual matter. My daughter took a selfie from her cell phone of herself and her three kids on Halloween night. The kids weren’t even dressed in costumes. They sat in the car in their other grandma’s driveway off of a country road with little traffic. What showed up on the picture was ghastly and hard to write off as a fake. My daughter, C, said she hadn’t altered the photo at all.

Here it is:

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Sitting in my grandson’s lap is an eerie visage of a woman staring back at the camera. Hard to miss, huh? I told you, I’m not one to “look” for these kinds of things. I’m a major skeptic with a degree in science, so this literally kept me from a decent night’s sleep when I received it from C.

What do you think? Do you see it? Do you believe in ghosts? What DO you believe?

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Fear is Locked in the Heel of My Shoe

For the first time, I’m waking up in the morning and heading to a week’s training for a nonprofit organization’s 11-month program. I’ll need to train in different areas to be effective in my position. I am excited and scared at the same time.

It’s like the first day of school again. Can I  actually DO this job? Will I show people that I’m really dumb behind this smile? Can I learn quickly enough? I have to share my room with another woman, will I snore too much with this awful head cold? How embarrassing. Will I sleep at all? I do have insomnia.

If I focus on the positive difference I can make in others’ lives, I will do well. If I focus on learning fire safety, CPR, First Aid, teaching skills, etc – then when I teach them to others, I will be effective. That’s how I’ll get through this frightening and intimidating period.

There was a time not so long ago that I dove head first into projects – never questioning whether I would be able to finish them or do a good job.  I just “knew.”

 

 

 

 

However, with age and a few failures behind me, I am tentative in approaching new situations. I don’t like this about myself but maybe it’s offering less room for mistakes.

Since a divorce, I’m out of touch with my physical self (gained weight and unsure on my feet) and out of synch with my “new life.”

A friend told me to take my days one at a time. To take my hours one at a time. To not think of ten miles up the road but of right now. That is good advice, I think.

What do I want from my life now that I’m in the last half of it? I want to be of service to people in need. I want to be a decent mother to my grown kids. I’d like to be an attentive daughter. I’d love to stop being afraid of every flippin’ thing around me, too. It gets very old – especially when you aren’t used to feeling that way (my life took a 180 about 5 years ago, and I have been on shifting ground since).

So, I’ll pack tonight, get up at 4:30 in the morning, shower off the fear and slip into comfy clothes. I’ll enter my training with willingness to learn, eagerness to make new friends, and determination to keep fear locked in the heel of my shoe – where it can’t access ANYone. 😉

 

 

Alone, Even in a Crowd

 

It doesn’t matter where I am, I am alone.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

Reality. Real life. It hits hard when it hits.

No, I don’t want to return to the ostrich existence. But, it would be so nice to have the ignorant “I’m being taken care of” feeling again. Sad as it is to admit. At least there was no worry of money to meet the bills or anxiety over a job to support my own life. Someone else did that for me.

Laziness? Fear? Both? I’m not sure. My husband worried about such things.

Damn, I like being independent, but it is frightening! I worry and stress all the time. Add my accelerated mortuary school program and experiencing my first stabbing/autopsy embalmings, and voila! Depression and alienation! Fear and anxiety! Full chest because I haven’t broken down to release in tears yet.

There’s always a price. I’m on the right path, just have no real end in sight of where I’ll be when I “get there.”

All around me, I see that my creator has introduced helpers, friends, family – to nudge me when I stop – to catch my elbow when I falter. I like that.

I still feel alone, no matter where I am.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

But, it’s ok. That is the nature of a real existence – of human life, and I am living it.