Tag Archives: alone

Depression – What a Difference a Day Makes

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I’ve been reading over past blog posts. Years ago, depression took over my life. I was also in a very unhappy, dysfunctional relationship that I thought was “ok.”

I went through almost eight years of depression. At times, I drank too much wine and smoked too many cigarettes. At times, I partied with new “friends” too much. It’s not a period of my life I am proud of.

However, I now see ( in hindsight) that I needed to go through those years to learn important lessons.

Just six months ago, I met a man like I’d not met before. He was eight years my senior and had a similar sense of humor as I. We hit it off from date one. Six months later, we were married! Yes, I’m a newlywed at age 51.

I am no longer wracked with stress-induced tight muscles all over my body. I no longer have frequent headaches. I am not a prisoner of my bed, and I made many new friends and am part of  many new activities. My new spouse helped change my circumstances in life. He gives me tenderness, kindness, security, affection, and loving words.

I no longer fight the deep depression I once did. I do still take my generic Zoloft, though. I’m in perimenopause and fight hormone highs and lows. Now, to treat that!

Have faith, friends. It may look like your on you’re last leg – with no other choices in sight. Then, BOOM! Life changes 180 degrees. I’m living proof. Seven months ago, I prayed I’d not wake up each morning. Today, I love waking to a loving smile, dinners with friends, volunteer work, and traveling! I love my new life.

What a difference a day makes. My day was March 22, 2015. 😉

My Own Trail of Tears – A Poem

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Why do I leave a trail of tears wherever I trod?

Innocent people, undeserving of punishment but receiving it anyway . . . because of knowing me.

I try to be sincere. I try to be kind.

But I have a way of leaving a path of pain behind me as I push forward in life.

Shall I stand stagnant and still?

Do I drop and dismantle my desires?

Or carry on, hoping the poison I emit will eventually be used up and gone?

Tonight I cry . . . my own torrent of tears.

Alone

Where exactly is it? That ache that isn’t “real.”

The feeling of alone-ness

I hold and now reveal.

 

In the heart or chest somewhere

the heaviness sits hard

No respite for this weary soul

Yet, often, I’m off guard

 

Vices do I grab

To nothingness I hold

Weariness like weights

Inside me till I’m old

 

 

 

 

You Are Not Alone

I’ve been reading others’ posts about feeling alone, friendless, and just plain miserable. The majority of these individuals are still (barely) functioning in the “real world.” They have jobs, obligations with young children, and other responsibilities that demand their attention.

I have great admiration and empathy for these people, most are women that I’ve heard from and read blogs of. I, too, have spent many, many weeks in my apartment, mostly in my king-size bed. I didn’t want to be there, but depression caused it – all-consuming, crippling, evil depression.

While I have a very kind boyfriend who makes sure I am “ok” every day and that I’m told I am loved and beautiful every day, I still fell and stayed in a pit of misery.

After seeing my old psychiatrist and getting a new diagnosis (and different meds), it is 9 days since taking the first new pills. I double the dose of mood med next Tues, so we’ll see what happens then. <I like that . . . Mood Med . . .much less serious sounding>

My point is that there are many of us out here who hurt and are dealing with neurochemical upsets which need meds and counseling to manage. One woman in particular, my heart wrenches for. She lives nowhere near me, has no friends, has a child to care for, and is in such great depression that she tried suicide this week. She didn’t complete it, for which I am very thankful. I try to reach out to her, but she doesn’t reach back.

When depressed, we isolate ourselves, which is unfortunate because that is the point in which we let the disorder have control. But, while we’d like to, we can’t face the world, the people, the sunshine. When it takes all of our energy to merely rise from the mattress to use the bathroom, we’re pretty much not “going” anywhere else.

I am feeling thankful today. I’m thankful for my mama and daughter and daughter-in-love who keep up with me daily and make sure I’m okay. They hurt with me, laugh with me, and weep with me. There are many more things/people I could list here, but I won’t.

What do I want you to take away from my post today?

No matter who you are or where you are, you are NOT alone. You may feel – with every fiber of your being – you are, but you aren’t. There are people like me out here who want to chat, discuss your pain, and reach for a future along with you. Human beings weren’t meant to  be alone all of the time. We are social creatures who need one another’s encouragement and empathy.

Need to chat? Do it here or on a reputable board.

Need medical help? Seek it – until you find a competent and caring professional.

Need crisis care? Anyone, anytime, any crisis, visit this website: http://www.crisishotline.org   or  call 1 (713) HOTLINE.

Smooches to you!

 

 

Alone, Even in a Crowd

 

It doesn’t matter where I am, I am alone.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

Reality. Real life. It hits hard when it hits.

No, I don’t want to return to the ostrich existence. But, it would be so nice to have the ignorant “I’m being taken care of” feeling again. Sad as it is to admit. At least there was no worry of money to meet the bills or anxiety over a job to support my own life. Someone else did that for me.

Laziness? Fear? Both? I’m not sure. My husband worried about such things.

Damn, I like being independent, but it is frightening! I worry and stress all the time. Add my accelerated mortuary school program and experiencing my first stabbing/autopsy embalmings, and voila! Depression and alienation! Fear and anxiety! Full chest because I haven’t broken down to release in tears yet.

There’s always a price. I’m on the right path, just have no real end in sight of where I’ll be when I “get there.”

All around me, I see that my creator has introduced helpers, friends, family – to nudge me when I stop – to catch my elbow when I falter. I like that.

I still feel alone, no matter where I am.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

But, it’s ok. That is the nature of a real existence – of human life, and I am living it.