Category Archives: Love

New Relationship Advice

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Ever feel like you are living in a life that you didn’t plan?

Ever wonder how a spouse could hide negative traits so well for so long?

Ever wonder if you did the same type of hiding?

Women often are caught in a nasty web. They need personal fulfillment, want children, a career, and a doting husband. Guess what? Having it ALL is just not possible. That would mean perfection . . . which doesn’t exist.

Instead, we flail around – especially in our love relationships.  We hope for best, and then stick a toe in the water to test the chill factor. If the water’s warm, we go for it. If it’s tepid, we wait to see whether to step away or wade in.

If you got the warm water, and then jumped in face first, you might be regretting it before even a year’s anniversary arrives.

Please, ladies and young ladies, get to know Mr. Right before moving your pets in with him . . . before leaving your toothbrush next to his, and for god’s sake, live together long enough to realize his shortcomings!!! If I had it to do over (raising my kids), I’d not teach my kids to wait to have sex or to live with someone they loved before marriage. I would encourage it! Marriage is a huge step, and it’s expensive to reverse! So, do more than get your toe wet. Let your feet dangle in that water for the day while you chomp an apple and consider your future. There really is no rush – and if there is, get your life straight first before introducing a partner into it.

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(Welcome new subscribers! I see I’ve added about ten over the past week. Thank you for your interest. I’ll soon have a video blog on a YouTube station. I’ll print here when and where it will be).

 

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Rules For Happiness . . .

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I have had an unparalleled 2015. There have been so many changes that I sometimes feel I’ve been in a dream state.

Changes I’ve experienced this past year are below. After those, are my experiences on how I gained some “real” happiness in life.

2015, January began with my being unemployed for the second month. I’d been a mortician for a year but, because of stress-related depression, had to quit the job I’d trained for extensively.

February brought the realization that I HAD to get out of a mentally abusive romantic relationship. I had to finally completely break off with this man and ended up having to get an Order of Protection from him -issued by the county court so the ex-boyfriend couldn’t get within 100 yards of me. After 4 slashed tires and numerous times I saw him stalking me, multiple texts over a short period of time, and parking in front of my house to intimidate me, I had to protect myself. We were officially over but my mind still held paranoia, fear, and anxiety over his possible presence. Changing the locks on the house just didn’t erase those feelings.                                                                                                                                  March began an unexpected chain of events that would forever change my life. A week before I celebrated my 51st birthday, I met David. It was intended as nothing but an innocuous dinner date to get me out of the house one Sunday evening. That meeting turned into a movie afterward and another date the next day. I had just broken up with a scary stalker. I was NOT looking for another serious relationship.

Over the next few months – April, May – David and I were always together. We couldn’t bear to be apart. Our personalities, goals, and morals were identical. He was eight years older than I and full of humor, sincerity, generosity, and affection. I had hit the jackpot this time. Never had I known this type of relationship. We had much in common and were quite attracted to each other. We shared respect and a thankfulness to finally find someone who would be honest, faithful, and loving (among other traits). We had discussions of possible marriage in our future – which was unbelievable since we had each told the other on our first date that we’d never wish to re-marry.  Never say never. God will show you otherwise.

June was a month of seriously tossing around the idea of marriage. We had spent every day and evening together since our second date. The mutual love and dedication we felt was alien to us. We quickly developed a strong and deep bond. We were in a tornado of new feelings, changes, and complete joy. Every day, I woke to see that rugged face of the unique man who had captured my every sense.

July gave us promises and me an engagement ring. Life was among fluffy clouds, sun shining on our faces, and constant smiles.

August was a month of planning, decision-making on honeymoon options, and finding a dress for the wedding day.

September was the month of joining lives – physically and legally. I married David after knowing him a mere six months. I would never suggest such a step to a friend after knowing someone less than a year but this was an entirely different situation. All of our friends and family saw the rare bond David and I shared. We were finally happy. Really happy. October = our first Halloween together. November = our first Thanksgiving together. December = our first Christmas together

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Now, it is January of a new year. David and I have been inseparable for over nine months and are still just as in love, just as entertained by each other, and just as sure we made the only decision that made sense . . . to join our lives and share adventures that lie ahead – together.  We’ve not once considered being with any other partner. We’ve found our “other half.”

To be happy . . .  ~ Free your heart from hatred, guilt, or resentment. ~Free your mind from worries and unnecessary stress. ~Live Simply. ~ Give more. ~ Expect less

I had to let go of deep guilt I carried over breaking up my previous (and only) marriage. I finally let my long-carried stress go. I think time passing and not encountering the ex-stalker, plus feeling secure and loved by David, allowed me to finally wake up one morning, have coffee, eggs, and go right back to bed. I was exhausted physically and mentally. This lasted almost a week. I couldn’t stay vertical for long before I needed to nap or just lie down. It was my relaxation after 7 years of built up stresses over money, relationships, unsure future, fighting Major Depressive Disorder with med after med that didn’t work, and gaining sixty pounds from stress eating. The following months brought me to enjoy simplifying my life. I donated much to local charities, and I sent the larger items to auction. I love not being surrounded by nick knacks that collect dust and grab my attention.                                                                                                                             I had often volunteered to deliver meals to hungry senior citizens and to teach adults how to read and write English. David, being retired, dedicated his time volunteering to helping veterans through his local American Legion. When you give, you don’t have time to think about “self.” That is a good feeling.                                                                                                                      Finally, when I learned to expect less from surroundings, pets, and people, I began feeling satisfied with this imperfect life. If we all do the best we can with what we have to offer, that is enough.

May your 2016 be full of happiness . . .

 

 

 

 

Proposed to – While I’m Married?

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When people say that life is unpredictable, they’re correct. When they say it’s ironic, they’re also right. I’m living proof that the strangest things can and do happen at the oddest times.

After my divorce (from a very long marriage), I was single for several years before meeting Thomas. We “met” on a singles site and spoke on the phone. He was a newspaper editor who looked adorably like an old hippie. I loved his sense of humor, too. So, we decided to meet for dinner. As soon as I saw him, my knees went weak. I’d never been so attracted to a man before. This 48 year old woman felt 16 again.

Thomas and I sat in a booth and had salads, iced tea, and fun appetizers. We had witty exchanges, conversed about a wide variety of topics, and discussed our mutual love of the written word. I admired everything about this man. Pouty lips under a salt and pepper mustache and goatee, deep brown eyes, shoulder-length, gray hair. I swear, I stared at the man all night. His intelligence mixed with humor then topped with handsome looks sealed the deal. This was the man I wanted. Now, to figure out if he was interested in me!

We parted ways after a half hug (yes, I was disappointed). He didn’t call for another date – only texted saying he had enjoyed my company and thought I was a delightful lady.

For a year, he was all I could think of but I carried on with my life. We were Facebook friends, so I saw his posts and kept up with his family now and then. One day, he texted me and asked if I’d like to meet for another meal. I melted . . . of course I would! We had a nice lunch but I could tell that he still didn’t feel anything for me more than friendship. It broke my heart all over again. We parted as friends. Again.

About 18 months later, Thomas contacted me and wanted to go out. I hadn’t forgotten him. Not at all. I’d kept up with him on social media. I still got butterflies when he commented on my posts or “liked” my status’. I just knew THIS time, he had realized what he had been missing. We arranged a date and saw a movie and ate burgers. Thomas seemed interested this time. We kissed, hugged, and even got more serious physically. I was more in love than ever, and he seemed to be following my lead, finally, although slowly. After about 4 dates, it fizzled, and he stopped calling. Said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship after all.

I was sick of being pulled and pushed away multiple times. My heart could take no more. I began dating others. No one special and nothing serious. Just lunches and coffee dates. That is, until I met my current husband. Yes, I married someone else. Joe was a wonderfully kind, funny, generous man who was almost a decade older than I. We got along famously. We were a pair made to enjoy each other’s company. Within 6 months, we married and have been happy since (3 months later. Ha!)..

Well, last week, out of the blue, Thomas contacted me – telling me he hasn’t stopped thinking about me, loves me, wants to spend time with me, remembers how well we got along, how we laughed and had good times. He said he wanted me to be his wife.

I asked him if he realized I was already married. He said he did but couldn’t hold back from telling me how he felt any longer. I guess in case I wasn’t happy in the marriage I had just entered?

Thomas’ words were ones I had longed to hear for the last, long three years of my life. I’d have cried with happiness to have heard them from his mouth. Dream come true. But that day, on the phone, they were swords in my side. I cried, was angry, couldn’t believe his nerve to say these things to me NOW . . . knowing full well that I still had love for him and would be confused and frustrated. It wasn’t a fair thing to do at all. What do people say? All is fair in love and war? I think that is an awful statement.

No, I didn’t leave my husband for Thomas. Today, we wrapped Christmas gifts and planned what to cook for dinner. We played with the kitten, watched a Christmas movie, and snuggled before bed. Joe is a good man. He sneaks gazes at me when he thinks I’m not noticing and then tells me I’m beautiful. He sees some of his friends “eyeing” me and says he’s proud to have a pretty wife. He makes me feel beautiful. He even likes my sub-par cooking. 😉

For the Thomas’ out there, pay attention to the magnificent women who cross your path! They won’t stay there for long. A man of taste and character will grab her and marry her and treat her like a princess.

For the Joes out there, if you find yourself alone at present, keep your heads up, Ms Right IS out there and she is waiting to find you.

I wish you healthy, happy relationships and lots of love and affection!

Happy Holidays, my readers and friends!

Even Great New Relationships Can Be a Challenge

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I’m 51 years old and in a new relationship. Joe is 59 and a retired Air Force Sargent. He’s funny, handsome, kind, generous, faithful, affectionate, and active. He’s just what I’ve been looking for these last 7 years of being single. Lord knows I’ve had my share of dysfunctional or loser relationships on the road to where I now find myself. Lived and learned!

Joe and I found each other on a dating site for over-50 singles. We hit it off immediately and spent every day together for the first three months. We definitely have different ways of communication, though. For 90% of the time, we’re laughing and on the same page. The other 10% of the time, we’re like aliens from two different planets who don’t even understand the other’s facial expressions – much less his or her words or intentions. I’ve allowed his words to hurt my feelings and to anger me several times. He doesn’t usually mean to hurt me, though. It’s frustrating. I realize we love each other very much but it’s scary when we don’t know that we’ve even hurt the other person. It’s usually (always) me who is hurt. That must mean something.

I’m having to learn to act like an adult. In my long marriage, I was spoiled and “taken care of.” Mike and I had 25 years of passionless days – yet no arguments either. Kind of a gray zone all of the time. Not an ideal existence.

My second significant relationship was with a big and brawny  mechanic. The passion was intense and much needed. Yet, Steve had no education and was barely literate. We had NOTHING to talk about. It was like living with a rock. Sad but true. He also had an awful temper and liked to live off of my money. NOT cool. He’s history.

So, now that I’ve found Sargent Joe, I see what a healthy relationship can be like. I have to learn how to best communicate with him, though. We’re great together – until we’re not. When we’re “off,” we’re REALLY off. Guess any couple has to work at making things go smoothly.

I’m happier than I’ve been in decades, though. I wake up happy every day and go to bed the same way. I’m blessed. Now to just work on this “talking” stuff. 😉

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Canon in D

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Canon in D begins streaming into my ears. I am in my kitchen, before the divorce, before my babies grew up and left home, before I developed a chronic case of severe depression. I stand barefoot on the pine floor, piano notes rise like fragrant flowers from our basement. I close my eyes and absorb the pleasure the old piano offers. My daughter plays and plays very well. She has natural musical talent; it moves me every time she plays. My heart lifts, and my soul is soothed.

Then I am back in reality; there were no children in the house. I wasn’t even in the house. I sat alone in a coffee shop, listening to songs from a website. Despite my effort to stay composed in public, tears, like little refugees from unbearable circumstances, escaped my eyes, and my heart ached.

Thank you, my daughter and my son, for making my life meaningful and overflowing with good memories.

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10 Things To Do With Someone Before You Get Into A Relationship

So you’ve been sleeping in this guy’s bed all week, and you’re still not sick of him. Or you’ve been in love with your best friend for four years and you’re finally inching towards a relationship that involves kissing. Or you’ve found someone on eHarmony you can actually tolerate.

That’s great! I’m excited for you. But hold up. Slow down. Before you put all your eggs (biological or otherwise) in this human being’s basket… before you throw precious time, energy and money into someone other than yourself… before you take your gorgeous, wonderful soul off the market . . . make extra-sure it’s not just your sex drive talking.

1. Fix something.

I don’t care if it’s putting together Ikea furniture or talking your roommate through her heartbreak: if you can’t work through problems or struggles with this person, you’re each going to be left with a lot of shattered pieces. So if you can tile the backsplash in your kitchen and still want to sleep with them: well, that’s a good sign. Bonus points if you’re dating someone who knows how to tile surfaces.

2.

Text.

I’m a grammar nerd. I’m also a writer on my better days. So I have no qualms with admitting that I’ll judge you if you can’t punctuate correctly or take the time to spell out Y-O-U. I’m also looking to see if you can make a clever quip (or four) while still being pitch-perfect flirtatious. Everyone’s got their own text hang-ups, but you want to know that whoever you’re seeing isn’t going to flagrantly irritate you during casual communication.

3. Eat sushi.

Sushi isn’t any old dinner date. It’s a highly collaborative, potentially explosive tango that can tell you worlds about the person across the table from you toying with their chopsticks.  Are they assertive or go-with-the-flow? Do they like variety, or do they want to eat four crispy eel rolls in a row? Did they go to Kindergarten and learn how to share? I once went for sushi with someone who hated my favorite roll, and vice versa. We both talked each other into giving the despised sushi in question another chance… and both ended up nauseated and taking the rest to go. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t work out.

But hey, while you’re at it…

4. Watch how they order and tip.

Do you want to be with someone who gives a waiter 13.5 percent of the bill? Who barks at your bartender? Who is picky beyond reason?

Well, go for it. I’m going to take my receipt and run.

5. Dance.

Dance movies are sexy not because Sean Patrick Thomas and Julia Stiles are amazing, but because movement is a barometer both for how you carry yourself and your compatibility with someone else. Is your date doing the worm in the middle of the floor? Or standing at the bar throwing back G&Ts? Are they fluid or stiff? Willing to make a fool of themselves or showing you up? Grindin’ up on you or giving you your space? I’m not saying you have to breakdance to win my heart (though it’d help), but I want to see you move before I move in with you… or go dancing with you again.

6. Drive.

The way someone navigates through traffic or reacts to a high-stress parallel park can be a) really goddamn sexy or b) completely horrific. Also, it’s just good to know if you’re putting your life in danger when you get it the front seat with this person.

Full disclosure: You’re putting your life in danger when you get in the front seat with me. I think that’s something my future significant other would want to know.

7. Hang out with your/their friends.

I rarely give out brownie points (unless it involves building stuff — See #1), but I always melt a little bit when someone gets along swimmingly with my friends. Likewise, you need to have great friends if I’m going to date you… mostly because I want to be That Cool Girlfriend who hangs out with them a lot and receives said brownie points. It’s bad news if the person you’re seeing can’t at least hold a conversation with your best friend while you’re putting on your mascara or get a drink with your crew once in a while. Your friends are going to be much more inclined to resent this person for the entirety of your relationship, one, but two, you’ve known said friends way longer than whoever this punk is. They’re a pretty good indicator of what kind of people you love.

8. Hang out with animals.

Cat person or dog person: the great existential question of our generation. I have a World Wildlife Foundation debit card, which involves my face on a piece of plastic next to a panda’s… so if you don’t love animals, I’m going to be hesitant. Similarly, if you hear me talk to my chocolate lab over the phone (which I do, often), you may think I’m certifiably insane. Whatever your stance on the creatures of the earth, it’s a good idea to get the animal question out of the way. So take them to the zoo, or watch your mood-swingy kitten react to their presence in your living room.

9. Go down on each other.

Some people think you should sleep with someone before you date them. Some think all it takes is a kiss to diagnose your level of physical chemistry. Either of these could be correct, but I’m going to just average them out and say that you should, well, get down to it and make sure you’re OHMYGODSOATTRACTEDTOTHISPERSON. Also, it’ll solve that terrible relationship issue of being with someone who hates giving oral sex. ‘Cause unless you hate it too, that’s just sad for everyone.

10. Do whatever you want.

I know I’ve just wasted 15 minutes of your would-be-productive life telling you what to do, but really, there’s no set of rules when you’re into someone. So if you like them… just go ahead and like them. Spend 48 hours straight at their house. Make out with them even if they hate dogs. Make fun of their dance moves and then still go home with them at the end of the night. Being in like or lust or even love is too much fun to not just go with it.

But really — if they’re awful tippers… just don’t.

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This article was written on Jan. 30, 2012  By Talia Ralph – Talia Ralph is an editor and breaking news writer for GlobalPost.com

No Pain is Worth the Breaths I Take

Oh let me die today, dear lord,

a lord I do not know

Take my breath, consume my mind

and bury me below

No pain is worth these breaths I take

No joy I see in daily deeds

Just let me die today, dear lord,

a lord I used to love

Who crushed my heart and took my mind

then disappeared above

No pain is worth these breaths I take

No joy I see in daily deeds

Please let me die today, dear lord,

you sicken me with lies

I’m ready to give up the ghost

and sever all my ties

 

10 Ways to Live with a Jerk

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1)      Stay very busy so you don’t have to address him often. Work, hobbies, outings with friends or family, outings alone, yard work, etc. will keep you occupied and productive.

2)      Pretend he is just a roommate who pays “rent” each week. The income is pretty nice.

3)      Plan ahead to reach your ultimate goals. Education, job, living arrangements. Write down what you want/need and then follow – step by step. Once you turn the boat over, chaos will ensue, so have a plan first.

4)      Meet with a good friend and vent when you need to release steam or seek advice. Or try blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever.

5)      Stop thinking about how things “should” be. They are what they are.

6)      Improve yourself – physically, mentally, and spiritually. You are deserving of wonderful things.

7)      Love on your cats or dogs. They love you unconditionally and like when you show them you feel the same.

8)      Speak to the jerk when passing in the hallway, meeting in the kitchen, or sitting in the same room.

9)      Learn to un-care about said jerk. What once was love has obviously become a convenience of living arrangements – sharing the bills so to speak.

10)   Realize that you are worthy of real love and a partner who will dote on you and appreciate you.

 

Get out ASAP if there is violence but if not, and you want to plan a smoother exit route, follow the steps above.

I am not a medical professional. Do not consider my advice as professional.  😉

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I Do Not Need A Man To Make Me Happy!

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Divorce has been tough these last several years. A new relationship after that has become stale and sad, as well.

I have always been fearful of being alone/lonely. I hated it when I first divorced, and dusk was the worst!

Well, I’m a little older and realizing that I’d rather have social engagements with friends and girl friends than having to live with a man who isn’t as committed to my happiness as I am to his.

So . . . it’s the beginning of a new era for me. The time of courage, branching out, change, and happiness.

Wish me luck. It’s an uphill climb.

Love you, my readers, my friends