Category Archives: Humor

You Can Write That Book

 

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I woke at 3:30 this morning with a thought running through my head; write. I’ve been reading a book about how to get a first draft written in just 30 days. Well, I’m taking longer than 30 days but it’s working. Feels good to be on this decade-long project again with a fresh eye.

Are you one of the millions of Americans who think he/she has a good book in his/her head? If so, start it. Don’t sit paralyzed because you think you need an extensive outline or a dozen developed characters to start. Just begin writing and see where it takes you. If nothing else, you’ll enjoy the process. There are no hard and fast rules.

Writing has come naturally to me since I was a young girl. I churned out poetry, stories, and goofy limericks. Recently, I’ve penned some hilarious Senyru poems (like a haiku but funny and usually about people).

Want to share what you have written? Send me a note and maybe I can offer a suggestion or two. Let me know in the comments section below. I have many subscribers to this blog, so I can’t help all.

Take away? Please put your fingers to the keyboard and express yourself. I’ll leave you with a Senyru poem for the day (5-7-5 syllable lines). Have an awesome one!

Nurse Anne took samples

Samples of pee to the lab

Her work pissed her off

 

LOL! Sorry it’s tacky but it’s what I came up with in the moment. Bye, all . . .

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A Funny Maui, Hawaii Volcano Day

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Aloha hoa! Our part of Maui (Kihei on the Wailea border) is as lovely as ever. Look at the color variations on this plant. Beautiful.

We headed toward Mt Haleakala yesterday. It’s the larger of two dormant volcanoes here on the island. It’s summit is about 10,000 feet above sea level. Pretty darn high in the clouds and vog. What is vog? It’s volcanic “fog” or smog that drifts to Maui from the big island of Hawaii. It consists of volcanic dust and gases. Thank you for the residual dry, intermittent cough, Mt Kilauea (the active volcano on the main island that IS always active – but is very approachable). Back to our Mt Haleakala trip . . . the vog hung atop and around the midsection the volcano. Here are a few pics of the vog, and it doesn’t move slowly like fog but very quickly.

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As we ascended the mountain, Dave’s ears popped, and I popped two Dramamine and two Ibuprofen for sinus pressure! After seeing one guy puking from his Jeep, I decided better safe than sorry. The roads were quite curvy. That combined with altitude changes from 2500′ to 10,000′ then back down again, it’s a recipe for feeling like poop if one is not careful. Add the fact that the temp at bottom was 81 degrees and was 57 and windy at the summit. Glad we took jackets with hoods.

I did see pretty trees on the excursion. Turns out, they aren’t native to the island and change soil chemistry. I speak of the Mexican Weeping Pine. It’s gorgeous, though.

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These pines are highly invasive and displace endemic and endangered species’ of other plants.

One funny sign we encountered (and believed) was this one:

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We passed it quickly as we turned a curve. I couldn’t believe my eyes. What WERE these Hookers? Native birds? Or was that what hitch hikers were called here? hitcher, hooker? I told Dave I was going to ask the park ranger when we reached the top. Thank goodness there was no ranger in sight for me to gab with. I can only imagine how THAT conversation might have played out.

“What are these Hookers I’ve heard about? Birds?”

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

“I saw a sign a ways back that hookers could be picked up in 800 feet. What’s a Hooker?”

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Okay, laugh if you must.

 

There were also NeNe geese here and there. They are the State Bird of Hawaii and make a soft sound like “Nay Nay,” so, were aptly named.

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It was a fun afternoon, and neither of us got motion sickness or a headache or fell down the side of the crater we were so close to.

Love ya!

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Las Vegas in a Few Weeks!

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It seems appropriate to blog in MONEY GREEN today, as I’ll soon be heading to a mini-vacay in Vegas. However, this green is also a pukey color.

Ahhh, much brighter. SO, Dave and I are heading to Vegas for a 4 day and 3 night mini vacation next month. After the exciting news of agreeing to the initial deal that Hilton offered us, the first thing I think of is ‘Thank god for our house sitter. He’s always willing to stay over and babysit the pets and care for the house.’ (Thank you, T).

Moving on . . . I’ve never been to Las Vegas or anywhere else in Nevada. I was a Southern girl for many years. If the residents of a state didn’t realize that iced tea was supposed to be served with lots of ice and plenty of sweetener, I hadn’t visited their state. That’s all changed!

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The sights and activities in Vegas sound big, bold, and in-my-face. Yep, my kind of fun . . . over done! LOL. The older I get, the more bling I wear. I like it on my sandals, in my jewelry, and even in my toenail polish! Now, I’m not a gambler, so that shouldn’t be a huge waste of our money while in Las Vegas. I’ve tried slot machines but have only ever won $75 (which I played again until I lost it).

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Gambling makes me mad, really. I don’t like watching my dollars disappear each time I push the big lighted button in front of me. Know what I have at the end of the night? I have an empty wallet, a pissy attitude, and a voice in my head that says, “You knew you’d lose, idiot.”

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Ugh, onto a happy color now. I look forward to seeing new things and meeting interesting people. I love to fly and am an adventurer when it comes to exploring new towns’ music, theater, and plain old fun spots. After we return from Vegas, we’ll stay home for a couple of months before heading out on American Airlines on a 9 hour flight to Maui, Hawaii.

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I’ll definitely blog here and vlog on my YouTube channel about the Hawaii preparations and then the entire stay on the islands. You may see my YouTube videos HERE.

Right now, as of June 12, 2017, I only have half a dozen videos that include our last trip to Hawaii and the underwater life there. Soon MANY more to come! Please subscribe and keep up with my vlogs now. There will soon be many, and they will be interesting and most will be humorous. 

Love you guys! Thanks for reading! I’m getting new readers each week. XO!

And, uh, this green below may be the only green I get back home with from Vegas OR Maui. 😉

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When PMS & ADHD Pair Up!

When PMS & ADHD pair up, people nearby had better make themselves scarce. Go run errands, work on an outdoor project, visit the library . . . just get away from the woman with the fiery mood!

I say this because I am that woman some months. Right now, in fact, I’m dealing with this pair of clashing hormonal and mental hurricanes. I’ve told my husband some terribly awful things. I’ve alienated my step child. I’ve thrown a glass and have angrily folded/put away three large loads of laundry. That was all in the last hour. Lord help me. Lord help them.

I’m not saying there weren’t reasons why I responded negatively but it shouldn’t have been to the degree I reacted. I know these things intellectually but can’t physically stop the feelings – and have been trying to stay away from loved ones so I don’t hurt them further.

I’ve only known I had ADHD for a few months, and this is the first month the disorder has clashed with a bout of PMS. It feels awful. Like I have no control of my emotions or actions.

I’ll spend the day in my room with a book and ipad. And probably some cookies. Hopefully the cats don’t make me mad . . . Only Kidding!

Lord help us all ~

Easter

It’s almost Easter. People ask me what I’m doing for the holiday. Isn’t Easter  . . . colored eggs, bunnies, chocolate, family, and church?

I’m on a diet (still) and won’t buy the chocolate. My family is scattered all over Texas and Arkansas. I’m in a faith crisis of sorts, so I probably won’t go to church, and I don’t want a bunny to care for. I’m not going to color eggs but I would like to boil some and pickle them in beet juice.

So, that’s what I’m doing for Easter. Pickled eggs.

My life is so exciting sometimes I can hardly believe it.

😉

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Denial, Floods, and Small Talk

Denial – the action of declaring something to be untrue

I deny so well that if the behavior were an Olympic sport, I’d have the Gold. Actually, no, we’d all be in the running for the Gold medal.

In this post, I’m wondering why most of us  walk around acting like we are perfectly fine, our world is 100% on track, and nothing is bothering us. We smile and exchange pleasantries but are inside often lonely, hurting, frustrated, confused, or angry. Why can’t we open up more with one another?

 

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“You doing okay these days?”

“Oh, yeah. Great. You?”

“Sure thing. How are the kids?”

 

 

 

 

The older I’ve gotten, the more open and honest I’ve become. It’s liberating yet embarrassing at times – because others don’t share their weaknesses or what’s wrong in their own lives. Leaves me feeling alienated, y’know, or different from the norm? What really “is” the norm?  I admitted to starting on antidepressants again the other day to a friend. She blurted out that she’s on about three! I felt closer to her immediately. The honesty was air-clearing.

Ever feel completely overwhelmed? I did about a month ago (when I got back on antidepressants). I felt like I was drowning in a flood of cold, dirty water but nobody paid attention. I realized I was denying my feelings to those closest to me, trying to make the bad feelings go away. But they didn’t. I reached out for help . . . before my chimney went under. 😉

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So, can we try to reach out to one another more? Share our truths more? I won’t judge you; I promise! I may suggest a counselor but I’d never judge you. 🙂  Let’s stop “pretending” everything is okay and going about our days in denial about how much something may be bothering us or altering our lives. Stop biking in the flood, my friend, and admit there are about two feet of water at your feet! The rest of us will help you dry off and find a canoe.

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The Errand

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You’d better watch out! One day you could wake up running an errand of death!

It’s 100 degrees outside today. I’ve been on crutches for weeks because of a strained knee muscle, so I went to Walmart for the first time today – alone – because I’m also in the midst of a break-up after a 5-year relationship. The outing looked pleasing enough.

Once at the store, I realized I forgot to wear the compression brace for the healing knee, so I hobbled into the box store and leaned on a cart while I removed “the list” from my purse. Why did everything have to be at separate ends of the store? I needed nothing in the middle, either.

I saw a woman worker whom I recognized as an old “friend” from a cultist (not really but almost) church I once attended – back when I believed the notion that a woman was second to a man. Whatever –  This woman worker in the blue Walmart vest looked up and saw me but didn’t speak. Beeotch! Real Christian of you, Phyllis . . . oops . . . I mean, worker.

Anyway, if the 100 degree humid, heat weren’t enough, I was having hot flashes in the Beauty aisle while  watching a couple of 30-year-old women discuss nail polish. GAWD! Get the hell outta my way. I need cat litter!

The ankle on the same side as the recently injured knee sent a few pains into my calf. I limped to avoid putting too much weight on the leg. I wish I’d remembered the  compression brace for that knee.

I went up an down aisles – throwing items into my ginormous gray cart. I hate when I buy too many canned goods because they’re difficult to handle and are heavy. I wound up with 4 bags full of canned goods and glass jars. Figures.

After a too-long trek, I stood in line behind an elderly woman in an electric wheelchair. I didn’t want to walk the extra 25 feet to the other check-out lane that may have been an easier and quicker wait. Why do we end up with all of the heavy stuff like canned goods in the bottom of the cart and the bread, chips, and eggs on top? When it’s time to check out, we have to either move it ALL around to reach the heavy stuff again (that stuff needs to be in the bottom of the new cart, right? Not sitting on our bread) or just say, “Crap on it!” and stack the thin plastic bags as best we can . . . for the THIRD TIME?!

The check-out girl was extremely nice and dressed kind of Goth. I loved it. I pushed past the hot flash that drenched me in sweat, and I exited the building into the sauna that was the outdoors.

Once home (finally, this errand from hell was almost over), I put several bags of “cold stuff” on my arm and let myself inside. It was sort of hot in the house, too. I had left the temp on the A/C a bit high to save some money. My cat, Rigby, laid right in the middle of where I was walking into the kitchen. I stepped over him and popped the A/C back to 60-something.

I made two more trips from car to kitchen, each time stepping over Rigby’s fat butt. Evil little animal. I saw my future of shopping alone, putting it away alone, and eating alone. Break-ups suck.

The final trip was with canned goods and jars. Heavy but at least it was the last trip in the scorching heat. The under wire in my bra dug into my sweaty skin. The 22-year-old  neighbor guy was across the street, getting into his truck, when I turned and then heard a loud SMASH! The huge jar of picante sauce had torn through the recycled Walmart bag and committed suicide at my feet – while a lone can of black beans rolled and rolled down my driveway and into the street. I left it.

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I left it and went inside. I will deal with it later. I will not lose my cool. Head held high, I walked over Rigby, who stretched out to touch my foot as I passed, and laid the remaining cans on the table.

I had done it. I had stayed the course, dodged the bullets and had come out alive. Yes, I lost some things. We’ll call them casualties of war – but I saved the rest. I did my job. The perishables were in the fridge and the light bulbs in the cabinet. This errand was done – for now.

10 Ways to Live with a Jerk

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1)      Stay very busy so you don’t have to address him often. Work, hobbies, outings with friends or family, outings alone, yard work, etc. will keep you occupied and productive.

2)      Pretend he is just a roommate who pays “rent” each week. The income is pretty nice.

3)      Plan ahead to reach your ultimate goals. Education, job, living arrangements. Write down what you want/need and then follow – step by step. Once you turn the boat over, chaos will ensue, so have a plan first.

4)      Meet with a good friend and vent when you need to release steam or seek advice. Or try blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever.

5)      Stop thinking about how things “should” be. They are what they are.

6)      Improve yourself – physically, mentally, and spiritually. You are deserving of wonderful things.

7)      Love on your cats or dogs. They love you unconditionally and like when you show them you feel the same.

8)      Speak to the jerk when passing in the hallway, meeting in the kitchen, or sitting in the same room.

9)      Learn to un-care about said jerk. What once was love has obviously become a convenience of living arrangements – sharing the bills so to speak.

10)   Realize that you are worthy of real love and a partner who will dote on you and appreciate you.

 

Get out ASAP if there is violence but if not, and you want to plan a smoother exit route, follow the steps above.

I am not a medical professional. Do not consider my advice as professional.  😉

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In Search Of a Special Job

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I’m looking for a special kind of job – as I am a special kind of person.  I’d like to work on a Destin, Florida beach. I like the white sand and blue water – not gold sand and brown water like some Texas or Mississippi beaches I’ve seen. I don’t want to work near the beach but on it, so I can jump in the water when I get hot.

I’d be content making $97,400 a year. I could afford a simple condo on said beach. Benefits should include dental because I need a tooth fixed. And vision coverage, too. My eye pressure runs high, and I get that checked annually.

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I can work 5 days a week from 10:00 a.m. till 1:00 or 2:00. I don’t want to get too much sun at once. Plus, a body gets tired of being in one place for too long. It’s what’s best for morale.

I’m a “people person” but don’t like really young kids. They have to be able to communicate and wear regular underwear.

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I’m thinking that a bonus around Christmas would be important. I’m not sure how much beach-related gifts are but probably not cheap. Shell necklaces, shell paperweights, shell earrings, sand in a bottle, dry seahorses, flip flops, etc. The gift list can be lengthy.

I’m not picky about what I do exactly. I can sell something, write something, or hand out something. I’d probably rather not sing something or paint something, as I lack visible talent in those particular areas.

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With unemployment rates being high and people downsizing all over the country, my new job may require me to put in some overtime – as to avoid hiring a second person for the same job. I sympathize and will consider it.

I’ll appreciate a 2-week paid vacation after being on the job for six months. That’s about the norm, I think.

Any and all inquiries will be reviewed. Please use the comment box with this post to leave your contact information. I can report to work as soon as I get my house sub-leased (and the landlord to agree to a sub-lease).

Have a blessed day ~

Her Eyeball Popped Out

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye goes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies …’You just happened to catch my eye.’