A mood disorder is tough to deal with – whether you are the sufferer or the loved one of a sufferer.
It’s like my own shadow but one that often catches up and overcomes me, Bipolar Disorder. And it doesn’t play fair. I go along with my life “normally” for a few weeks until a dark mood sneaks up behind me and bites me in the behind. I’ve had a few episodes of severe mania but now mostly experience the severe depression side when the disorder kicks in.
I dutifully take Zoloft and Abilify to even things out. Thank goodness for those. They allow me to live a life of being stable most of the time. However, when PMS hits or when perimenopause changes my hormone levels, watch out!
An old friend and I text now and then. She never knew I had been diagnosed with this disorder, and I had hurt her feelings a few years back. I tried to apologize many times but she kept me at arm’s length in fear of being treated poorly again. I finally told her why I’d been on a roller coaster of emotions back then. I imagined she didn’t want to complicate her life with a friend who had mood issues.
Can’t say I blame my old friend. I don’t like having me around at certain times, either. However, I do the best I can to treat others with respect and understanding (when I have my wits about me).
So, please, if you know someone with this (or other) type of mental challenge, consider being as understanding as possible with him or her. It takes a lot out of a person to ride this coaster.
The hours after a Bipolar Mixed Episode are like watching a scary movie. I keep my hands over my eyes and peek through my fingers. What unintentional damage did I do this time? Who did I reach out to and spill my (very personal) guts to? How many mean and demeaning things did I say to my husband? Did others notice my expression and down-turned eyes when I had to leave the dinner we were attending? If it hits me while I’m in public, I have to find a way out of the people because my mood definitely shows in my face. No playing “just fine” at these times. Many times, I’ll blog. Writing has always been my outlet. Even as a ten year old, I wrote “escape” poetry. I finally took you guys along with me last night during an episode (you lucky people). 😉 Well, today is a new day, and I broke the mood cycle with sleep. Life still isn’t perfect but at least I can deal with things differently today.
Bless you, my readers and subscribers. Have an awesome day ~
It’s been a day of hard issues. Please forgive my disjointed organization of thought. I’m taking you with me on a bout with Bipolar Mixed episode. I have depression paired with anxiety at the moment. I feel anger, rage actually. I want to die. Not to threaten it but to actually do the deed. I don’t because of my two kids and my mother. I love them too much to put them through a loss like that, so I’m stuck in this mental illness with no real way out. Meds work most of the time. Not tonight. I feel lonely – like I am ultimately responsible for myself, and I hate that. It’s scary and a lonely place to be. I’ve always been a sheltered child and then a sheltered woman. One of my problems is that I can’t organized my thoughts to keep a job for longer than a year but also can’t receive government aid (as income). It’s a terrible cycle which causes me much anxiety and depression. Here is how it starts – the bipolar/mania cycle. As I type, the words on the screen are blurry, and I make a lot of spelling errors. I long for the long seep. The end of all of these roller coaster of emotions. Medications can only do so much for me. I’ve dealt with this for nine years. I’m TIRED of fighting with it. I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope when I wake, it’s a happy new day. But I don’t know. I hang in the abyss of a universe with stars blinking brightly, hurting my eyes. I float too closely to the planets. It’s sometimes hard to breathe in this dark vast space. Other times I get lungs full of fresh air. Hope is all I have. It stays somewhere deep in my core, a tiny flame that doesn’t seem to go out even when high winds or heavy rains cover it. I am inwardly thankful for that flame. It promises another day that might be a good one. One with sunshine on my face and bird songs in my ears.