Romantic Relationships Make Me Sick

heart_broken

Relationships, the romantic kind, make me sick.

My marriage started out wonderfully and lasted that way for almost 20 years. The last six or so were the years I failed to see the pings, knocks, and engine light being on. By the time I actually saw the problems in our relationship, it was far too late to do much about it. Not that we could have fixed anything if we’d caught it several years before . . . it just would have been nice not to have been blindsided by the truth when it hit.

Now divorced for almost five years, I have a boyfriend. We started out wonderfully (sound like the paragraph above?) but are pinging and knocking. The engine light isn’t on but I wonder how long until I’ll either need to take this rig by a shop or sell it.

Romantic relationships make me ill. I’ve had severe depression, much anxiety, and ongoing apathy about my future – all since I woke up and realized life isn’t fair and won’t stay static. Everything’s always changing. I don’t like change unless I initiate it! So, I find myself wondering if this man who’s living with me is a person I’m supposed to be with.

I stopped going to church, something I had done three times a week for two decades, almost five years ago. Actually, I lost all faith. That is saying something big, as I was a Christian to the bone. It just died, and I can’t seem to get it back. I long for those days when I had faith . . . when I was sure what life was and was sure who God was. I was sure the Bible held all the answers I would ever need. Then, the “break” happened. My mental break from the life I was in. Boy, what a mess I made of everything. Anyone whose life touched mine was affected; those poor, poor people.

So, back to the romantic relationships ~ I’m so disappointed that this one doesn’t seem to be working out. We had so much fun and so much the same types of feelings and interests. Now, the small things he does (or doesn’t do) irritate me, and he is a different man than the one I got to know and love a few years ago.

I’m wondering if I should go to a church service in the morning. Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Services will likely be busier than usual. Maybe I’ll wait.

I came home from running errands to find my love interest is gone. His son is living here for a while, and they are gone. No note, no text, nothing. This won’t last for long. I’d rather be alone than living like this.

Relationships, the romantic kind, make me sick.

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2 thoughts on “Romantic Relationships Make Me Sick

  1. We like to think life is just a one-act play. It’s not. For most of us, there are multiple acts. A new act doesn’t mean a worse act. I like to think the best stories improve as they go on.

  2. Hi Lea,
    Sorry things aren’t working out. Relationships are a fine balance, a tightrope walk, and falls are always just a slip away. So why do we do these relationships? Most of your romantic relationships in life end in failure. I think the Woody Allen joke says it best. A man takes his brother to a therapist. My brother thinks he’s a chicken, he says. How long has this been going on, asks the shrink. Years, says the brother. Why didn’t you come sooner, asks the psychiatrist? I would have, said the brother, but we really needed the eggs. And that, I believe, is the human condition. We live with these situations we know are crazy because we need the eggs.
    Very honest post. I admire your courage to put this out there. Hang in, things will get better. Ron

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