Squeaking By With Depression

 

I have gotten used to never being happy. I’ve grown accustomed to only being “moderately” depressed each day. Some days (more lately), I force myself out of bed to go to schoool. I’m not studying like I should, and my grades will show it. I made the honor roll/fraternity last quarter in school. That made me proud. 91 was the cut off grade. My grade was 91. Skin of my teeth ~

I took certification for operating a cremator (in a crematory). I will be faxing the 4-page test this week. CANA certified to operate in a crematorium. That is a longtime goal of mine. I reached two goals this week. The honor roll and the certification. It was like pulling teeth to even attend three days of classes this week. Damned depression.

I’m wondering if there is a pattern to my mood episodes. I was “manic” after my divorce. That mood lasted 17 months. Then, I dropped into depression. I was on antidepressants, and they worked fairly well for about a year each time I had to change. More recently, these meds aren’t working but for a few months or, in the case of Prozac, my current med, not at all. I was on 20 mg for two weeks and have been on 40 mg for over two weeks. No change at all. I’m as freakin’ depressed and down as always.

I can’t afford the pricey meds, so I was hoping Prozac would do the trick for me.I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Okaaay . . .

Bipolar 2 has been on my mind again. My dad had a mental illness that was late in life diagnosed as bipolar. He subsequently completed suicide a few months later at age 44. I’m almost 48 and trying NOT to follow in his footsteps. It’s hard to keep getting up each day.

Instead of studying for an exam (2 actually) on Monday, I surfed the internet for real estate in sunny Florida, on a beach. As much as I love the ocean and sand, surely that location to live and work would make me happy. Sunshine, water, fish, water sports, seagulls, sandpipers, breezes. The sound alone of the ocean rolling in makes me supremely contented. However, after surfing areas, homes for sale, and attractions (oh, and possible job opps), I realizled something pretty sad. I am still going to be living with myself no matter where I am physically living. Beach, mountains, lush valleys, lakes – it’s just scenery change. I’ll still battle my depression demons wherever I am. THAT made me sick. I can’t out run it , hide from it, deny it, or kill it. Damn!

I suffer, not always in silence. I cry every day. I don’t smile much anymore. I don’t want to do volunteer work (out of character for me), and I find no joy in anything. Plus,I’ve gained 50 lbs in the last 6 months. THAT is depressing by itself.

I think my mood would improve if I lost weight. Yet, I’m so apathetic that I really don’t give a crap. I’m pathetic. I truly am.

I just want to stay home, alone, write on my book and maybe on a few short stories for publication or contests. I want to sit by the apartment pool and soak up sun and have no worries, financial or for my future. Lazy? My daddy used to call me lazy, brainless, and dumb. Maybe he was right.

I miss enjoying things like painting on canvses, writing daily, coffee with friends, studying my favorite school subjects, and reading for pleasure. I used to volunteer at the literacy council as a tutor and class teacher. I delivered meals on wheels for years.I was on the Washington County Water Authority Board of Directors. I owned and operated a large antiques mall for several years (and had a talent for it). I managed a jewelrly and purse store, worked retail at CATO, worked hospice and psych. Many fulfilling jobs in addition to raising two children and being a stay at home momma.

Now? I’m lucky if I make it to school between  7:30 and noon. I’ve stopped getting my embalming cases for outside of school. I have 7 of 10 done thank goodness.

I’m going to make an appt with an MD specializing in psychiatry this week. It’s time for some major reevaluation on my meds situation. Its this Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar 2?

I need to know, so I can find the proper med to make me feel better. I hate mental illness. Makes me feel weak, less than others, pitiful, unuseful, stigmatized, untrustworthy, and just plain freakish.

Do you, my lovely and intelligent readers, have ideas or opinions to share with me on this situation?

Love you all~

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4 thoughts on “Squeaking By With Depression

  1. It is amazing how depression can make such great writers. It is like the pen and paper are our way to reach out to find wholeness and answers.

    The best thing I heard you say is that you are making an appointment with the MD. DO THAT TODAY before anything else. You will probably have to wait to get in to see him/her. When I found myself making those phone calls to get appointments for help, that sometimes helped me to hang on easier…just knowing I was going to get some kind of help actually gave me some hope.

    I wish I could tell you of easy fixes. Even while holding God’s hand through my depression, there were days I wanted to let go. That is when I had to cling the hardest.

    You may need to make yourself do somethings. There were times I had to make myself do something outside of what I HAD to do (school,sork). I had to go be with people even though I did not want to go. At times, it ended up helping me at least find a smile if only for a second. Maybe you could find some kind of way to volunteer that is not a long term commitment. Or do something with a friend that knows your situation…go eat ice cream, short walk, write a note to someone you have not thought about in a long time; make yourself do something. It could help.

    Sorry I can’t take the pain of depression away.

  2. Hey,
    I can relate with your, I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 if I’m correct. I’m busy studying my law degree at Stellenbosch University in South Africa. Also surfing the net when I’m suppose to work.

    I’ve had this illness for about 2 years now, I think I was lucky as my medicine kicked in after 6 months and I have been following a routine.
    Like 2b14u said, there is nothing I can do to take away your pain. I can merely give advice. I agree that you should get out, avoid sleeping too much. Carry on writing.

    I believe exercise, healthy food and sleep is key BUT also that one should see a psychologist. I did see a psychiatrist but only later went to a psychologist.

    My psychologist gave me several goals and things to do which would improve. There are also mood charts you could follow.

    Yip…but hang on there and hopefully the grass becomes greener on your side!

  3. For every posted comment, there are others that go unposted either by request or b/c they are painfully intimate and wouldn’t necessarily “help” other readers (also, these commenters agreed to a no-post).
    But, please keep commenting. There are many, many people who suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, and other mood woes. We find comfort in knowing we do not suffer alone or in silence. We also learn from one another.
    I love you guys!

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