I have gotten used to never being happy. I’ve grown accustomed to only being “moderately” depressed each day. Some days (more lately), I force myself out of bed to go to schoool. I’m not studying like I should, and my grades will show it. I made the honor roll/fraternity last quarter in school. That made me proud. 91 was the cut off grade. My grade was 91. Skin of my teeth ~
I took certification for operating a cremator (in a crematory). I will be faxing the 4-page test this week. CANA certified to operate in a crematorium. That is a longtime goal of mine. I reached two goals this week. The honor roll and the certification. It was like pulling teeth to even attend three days of classes this week. Damned depression.
I’m wondering if there is a pattern to my mood episodes. I was “manic” after my divorce. That mood lasted 17 months. Then, I dropped into depression. I was on antidepressants, and they worked fairly well for about a year each time I had to change. More recently, these meds aren’t working but for a few months or, in the case of Prozac, my current med, not at all. I was on 20 mg for two weeks and have been on 40 mg for over two weeks. No change at all. I’m as freakin’ depressed and down as always.
I can’t afford the pricey meds, so I was hoping Prozac would do the trick for me.I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Okaaay . . .
Bipolar 2 has been on my mind again. My dad had a mental illness that was late in life diagnosed as bipolar. He subsequently completed suicide a few months later at age 44. I’m almost 48 and trying NOT to follow in his footsteps. It’s hard to keep getting up each day.
Instead of studying for an exam (2 actually) on Monday, I surfed the internet for real estate in sunny Florida, on a beach. As much as I love the ocean and sand, surely that location to live and work would make me happy. Sunshine, water, fish, water sports, seagulls, sandpipers, breezes. The sound alone of the ocean rolling in makes me supremely contented. However, after surfing areas, homes for sale, and attractions (oh, and possible job opps), I realizled something pretty sad. I am still going to be living with myself no matter where I am physically living. Beach, mountains, lush valleys, lakes – it’s just scenery change. I’ll still battle my depression demons wherever I am. THAT made me sick. I can’t out run it , hide from it, deny it, or kill it. Damn!
I suffer, not always in silence. I cry every day. I don’t smile much anymore. I don’t want to do volunteer work (out of character for me), and I find no joy in anything. Plus,I’ve gained 50 lbs in the last 6 months. THAT is depressing by itself.
I think my mood would improve if I lost weight. Yet, I’m so apathetic that I really don’t give a crap. I’m pathetic. I truly am.
I just want to stay home, alone, write on my book and maybe on a few short stories for publication or contests. I want to sit by the apartment pool and soak up sun and have no worries, financial or for my future. Lazy? My daddy used to call me lazy, brainless, and dumb. Maybe he was right.
I miss enjoying things like painting on canvses, writing daily, coffee with friends, studying my favorite school subjects, and reading for pleasure. I used to volunteer at the literacy council as a tutor and class teacher. I delivered meals on wheels for years.I was on the Washington County Water Authority Board of Directors. I owned and operated a large antiques mall for several years (and had a talent for it). I managed a jewelrly and purse store, worked retail at CATO, worked hospice and psych. Many fulfilling jobs in addition to raising two children and being a stay at home momma.
Now? I’m lucky if I make it to school between 7:30 and noon. I’ve stopped getting my embalming cases for outside of school. I have 7 of 10 done thank goodness.
I’m going to make an appt with an MD specializing in psychiatry this week. It’s time for some major reevaluation on my meds situation. Its this Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar 2?
I need to know, so I can find the proper med to make me feel better. I hate mental illness. Makes me feel weak, less than others, pitiful, unuseful, stigmatized, untrustworthy, and just plain freakish.
Do you, my lovely and intelligent readers, have ideas or opinions to share with me on this situation?
Love you all~