Alone, Even in a Crowd

 

It doesn’t matter where I am, I am alone.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

Reality. Real life. It hits hard when it hits.

No, I don’t want to return to the ostrich existence. But, it would be so nice to have the ignorant “I’m being taken care of” feeling again. Sad as it is to admit. At least there was no worry of money to meet the bills or anxiety over a job to support my own life. Someone else did that for me.

Laziness? Fear? Both? I’m not sure. My husband worried about such things.

Damn, I like being independent, but it is frightening! I worry and stress all the time. Add my accelerated mortuary school program and experiencing my first stabbing/autopsy embalmings, and voila! Depression and alienation! Fear and anxiety! Full chest because I haven’t broken down to release in tears yet.

There’s always a price. I’m on the right path, just have no real end in sight of where I’ll be when I “get there.”

All around me, I see that my creator has introduced helpers, friends, family – to nudge me when I stop – to catch my elbow when I falter. I like that.

I still feel alone, no matter where I am.

There is no sure footing. No walls to lean on.

But, it’s ok. That is the nature of a real existence – of human life, and I am living it.

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