Divorce, a Living Death

I have come to the conclusion that I’ll never have proper closure of my divorce. I don’t know why I expected it, really. How many divorced people find adequate closure (i.e. answers to why, when, how)? It’s been 3 1/2 years since I moved out of my now-ex-husband’s home. He and I are hugely less communicative than we were when the shit first hit the fan. Go figure!

Time doesn’t necessarily heal. It also estranges. Time can foster resentment. I realize I’ll never know why my ex won’t have a friendship with me. Yes, I am the one who left the marriage and was the first to break our promise of faithfulness after we’d decided on divorce. However, I did deceive when I moved out. I was too fearful to tell the truth. Sad time.

That was so long ago, and I was very different. Today, I’m on hormone therapy and an antidepressant. Plus, my life has a plan. I know where my goals are and how to reach them. So, why can’t I get the answers from my ex-husband that I so desire? Maybe it’s one way he can have the final upper hand. I’ll live with that. I’ll have to.

He has put all of the blame for our split squarely on my shoulders. He accepts no guilt for the failed union. THAT is bullcrap. But, whatever. I’m good.

Divorce is like dealing with a living death of sorts. It keeps causing me grief, even though it is over. It won’t actually die!

I hope my readers will respond publicly and share your experiences. I need your insight. If nothing else, I need to know I’m not in this boat alone.

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8 thoughts on “Divorce, a Living Death

  1. Dear Friend,
    I have no advice. I don’t feel anything except for annoyance that my husband has not lived up to his part of the bargain and payed for the damned divorce. In fact, I’m a little annoyed at myself that I ever expected ANYTHING from his worthless ass. I hope this helped, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t.

  2. Dear Divorced
    What exactly do you “desire” him to answer? As long as you can be civil to each other (for your children’s sake) what more to you really need? You were friends when you were married so he can no longer be your friend. What could he possibly say that would change anything?
    I am afraid you are feeling guilty and would like him to take that away. He can’t or won’t. His little victory indeed.
    So forgive yourself and move on. Your peace of mind has to come from you not from him.
    Let’s say you were still married to this man. Would you be happy? Would you be fulfilled? Would you feel satisfied, loved, content?
    My guess is “no” to all of the above. So what’s the problem? He isn’t harassing you, he isn’t threatening you, he is merely ignoring you. How lucky that this is the worst thing he does. Imagine those poor women who must go underground to avoid abusive men. Your life is now in your hands. What you make of it is all your choice. Your children are grown with their own families. They still love you and want you in their lives. Lucky, lucky girl. Stop whining about that ex and get on with it. There is a whole world open to you. Take it and enjoy every day.
    “A woman is like a tea bag: You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water”…Eleanor Roosevelt.

  3. My new friend,

    My advice is hard to bear. I’ll tell you a bit of my story so you know It’s not BS.

    We were married for 10 years. We have two wonderful children. One is my step and the other is ours. The entire time we were together, She was unfaithful in one way or another. One of my dear friends, several of her girlfriends. The few that I discovered while they were happening, I tried to look past.

    On our oldest’s 16th, She “couldn’t do it any more”; and frankly neither could I. We tried to stay in one house through the christmas holiday that year. I made it until the 26th when I moved my stuff out of the house finally.

    She still puts the entire demise of our marriage on me.

    Beyond that it took about 8 years to finalize our divorce. There was a bitter custody fight and I paid for yet another rehab.

    That is the ground that I’ve had to build on. It’s been a challenge to make a house on that sort of shifting sand. So, I pray. A lot. Disclaimer: NOT a religious nut. Don’t go to church, don’t believe in any of the organized things that are called houses of worship. It makes it a little hard for me sometimes but I still do it.

    The weird thing? I pray for her to have everything I want for myself. Grace, understanding, closure, tolerance and happiness.

    It is the hardest advice I’ve ever followed. While we don’t have a great relationship. I am able to take her hate and venom and accept it, and not let it escalate.

    I personally embrace the estrangement as closure in and of itself. It’s sort like seeking being nothing. I knew we were divorced when I didn’t feel passionately about her at all anymore, one way or the other… and that was closure. It will come, with time and when you are both happy in your lives again. Pray for his, it might just help yours.

    D

  4. I call myself the Queen of divorce since I’ve done it three times but what I have realized is this. The decision to do it was the right one at the time. Sure, sometimes it’s no fun being alone but it certainly is better than being miserable in a failed relationship. People change, relationships change, and sometimes they don’t change toegther so we have to walk our own path. Be glad that you are strong enough to make your way in this world independently. Hang in there and it will get better, I promise.

  5. Life is complicated. Too many expectations we put on others to do things for us that only we can do.We grow up with poor examples of what really goes on in marriage and then are shocked to find it so mundane, for the most part. My first lasted 12 years and I never see my ex. I don’t look back. Each day is a gift I won’t waste on things that I can’t change. I try to find my happiness within myself and give more of myself than I expect back from my present wife. I find that life is still at times mundane , but now I understand that I am better able to an extent, to make myself happy regardless of what others may have going on.
    Letting go wasn’t too difficult by the time we decided it was over. I was ready for some time by then.

  6. Hi, I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything you have said here. My husband did leave me (not the other way around) and we had no children and I’ve suffered from increased mental health issues because of it. (I already had an eating disorder and chronic depression, but now the depression is worse.) I know that I have to let go, but find myself unable to, and I also don’t feel like I had any real sense of closure. Our divorce meant estrangement and resentment as well, and since we have no children he is completely out of my life now which is very painful for me. Just wanted you to know that you are far from alone. I’ve tried to make sense out of it and I can’t. I feel empty now and directionless but I’m trying to move on…

  7. You’re not alone. It IS like a living death especially when they don’t value the time you’ve spent with them enough to even consider counseling. It really sucks to be thrown away after 10 years. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.
    My, soon to be ex, wife did to me what you did to yours; but I love her enough that I’m willing to fix it… she’s not.

  8. i still cannot fathom, in the absence of abuse of any kind, nor gambling, nor addictions, nor anything threatening, in the presence of great wealth, growth, children, friends, hope, a fantastic future, why anyone would get divorced. There are so many greater problems in the world, that the counting of blessings would reveal such gifts. Alas, i was married to someone clinically diagnosed with bulemia, borderline personality, and depression. And i was left, without regular access to my beautiful girls, with no rational understanding of what happened or what the cause was, without my wealth, my hopes, my dreams. After countless promises of happily ever after, 100% fidelity, and the ongoing importance of the ‘family first’ philosophy.

    Such are the perils of poor mental health.

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