Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

In my life, I’ve had sad days, blue days. They were part of being human.

I find that since my divorce a few years ago, I am just now dealing with the losses and changes.

So, I feel more like myself, but a different version of me. After several doctors checked me out from top to bottom and tried everything from hormone therapy to antidepressants and sleeping pills to fight the depression/tight-chest anxiety I experience, I found a diagnosis.

A new and very down to earth psychiatrist saw me and changed my meds (again), which throws me into a tailspin each time. She said I definitely had MDD (see this post’s title) b/c I had ALL of the symptoms on a page that must have listed fifteen to twenty symptoms. I guess I knew I had this disorder, but kept hoping it would go away on its own. That was not the correct thing to do. That can and will likely make things worse.

I’ve been suicidal for the last 33 hours. I’ve stayed in bed and watched TV, played on the laptop, and eaten leftovers and warm Sprite. I asked my roomie to hide my Xanax and sleeping pills. He only gives me a sleeping capsule before bed and hides the rest. I know I can’t be trusted with narcotics when I feel this way. Yes, ithis crippling depression has happened repeatedly over the past couple of years.

I know how to stay on this side of the death line. Most “normal” people think that if someone they know mentions suicide, they are to hurredly call the local mental health hospital. Sometimes, that is wise. In my case, it  is a waste of time. I used to WORK at the mental hospital. I know how they treat the patients. No thanks. I’m much better at home with a loved one keeping an eye on me and talking to me until the episode passes.

Like I said, we’re adjusting my meds presently. That is enough to mess with my brain significantly. So, I’m miserable and feeling useless and hopeless, fatigued, and even a little headachey.

Below is information I copied from If you are interested in the mental health of a loved one, please take a few minutes to read it. It is quite helpful and very to-the-point:


You have a biological brain disorder

  • that under-produces positive emotions
  • that over-produces negative emotions
  • poisons your thoughts
  • and makes you believe that you must die.
  • Because you have an illness that makes you want to kill yourself.
  • Because you are not just depressed – you have depression.
  • Because – just like with any other illness – you must get treatment to get rid of the symptoms & the pain !!


The trouble with depression is that
  • The very pain & disorder is in your reasoning, happiness, and “will to live” mechanisms – in your heart, in your soul.
  • The entire experience of self and life continuum is affected.
  • There is no space in your head & heart for objectivity.
  • It’s as though the pain is you.
  • Lost in and disabled by the pain, often we are not able to objectively seek the proper treatment as we would for our injured leg, or to persevere when a treatment fails to help.


  • Our malfunctioning biochemistry creates a constantly descending altered mental and physical state.
  • We are immersed in a biochemistry of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, pain & sorrow.
  • Our hearts are physically aching as though something horrible and terrible has happened to us.
  • Our negative emotions are on high and our positive, balancing emotions are very low or absent.
  • We may be physically incapable of creating positive thought.

If You Are Suicidal,
You Are Not Thinking Straight !

Just like when we are upset & angry with someone

  • Reasoning power is impaired. 
  • We feel, think, say, and do things we often “don’t mean” and are sorry for later.
  • In depression we are biochemically upset all the time.


Remember — while the biological core of your emotions and sanity are under attack…
  • Depression is a physical illness.
  • And it has physical, biochemical treatments
  • A physical, biological illness is not a character flaw or personal weakness
  • Somewhere in the darkness of your terrible suffering, can you know that this is only a small and temporary space in a long life and better future to come ?
  • If you die, you will never know the renewed and wonderful life you could have lived after your depression was over.


Things don’t matter — you — matter.

Things can wait. You must survive.

If you have to force yourself to do anything, save it for important things — so don’t force the unimportant.

Ask others not to pressure you in the same way.

Realize that Loved Ones don’t know how you feel — if you hide your depression, they can’t help.

And they really don’t know how to help.

Don’t be mad at them

It seems sometimes that those emotions are in a pod.

And even if someone cares and asks you how you are feeling, you don’t want to open up that “pain pod” — you don’t want to break down and cry.

Sometimes it’s better if they ask yes or no questions, like “Are you depressed?” or “Feeling bad?” or “having a hard time?” — Then you can possibly shake your head or manage to utter, “uhuh,” without breaking the pod.

If you find you can’t utter a word or nod your head, write it on a scrap of paper, “Feel terrible – suicidal – dying…”.

Sometimes you must drain that pod and cry, and let some of those emotions drain out. Sometimes you can actually feel a tiny bit better for a while even if it’s just a moment or two of relief. And it may enble you to at least talk to your interested loved one.

Just as you would feel for a loved one dying in the hospital.

You deserve the same
sympathy, comfort, & compassion.

Eat ice cream, eat good food, take your vitamins.

Watch movies, work puzzles, sleep a lot.

Make sure you are getting TREATMENT !!


8 thoughts on “Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

  1. Hi, i just wanna say first, thankyou for posting this because I always feel like im on my own in this sort of situation. Ive been feeling depressed for about 5 months and i would do anything for the pain to be taken away. I feel like theres no end, when one bad things over, another thing starts. I dont see the point in getting out of bed in the morning when I know each days going to be the same. in the darkest part of the night i cry, i cry so much it hurts, its like i can feel my heart physially aching. I have only told one person how i feel and they dont know how to help me. I havent been to the doctors because i keep thinking it’ll go away on its own. Whats the point in living life if all I can think about is ending it? I dont know what to do.

    1. Hello, sweet “sv.” Please don’t take my advice as a medical diagnosis. I’m only a fellow sufferer/survivor. That said, I urge you to NOT wait to see a doctor (or 4 of them, until you find one who actually suits you). I tried 2 before my current one. Ask & don’t stop seeking answers until you feel better. That’s what I’ve done & continue to do. You sound like I did a couple of months ago. I am on a different combination of hormone therapy (perimenopause) & antidepressant (MDD). Every day, I’m seeing improvement. I’m seeing hope in life again. Remember, honey, nothing lasts forever – even major depression. But, without medical intervention, I’d still be in bed (or worse). Make some calls. Find a GOOD doctor to visit. Put your feet on the floor, & remember that this too can pass – if you seek outside help. We can’t “go it alone.” Post here whenever you want to. I’m always here. 🙂

  2. I must admit, I guess I suffer from MDD, the doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 1, I feel I am MDD. Because my depression test that I continue to take say that I am more likely to be MDD. *Sigh* the truth is, sometimes I don’t even want to get out, and I also believe that, this is who I am, maybe I was made to be a sad, dark, and a worthless person. I’ve been suffering from extreme sadness, stress, and anger, since I was six, and it went undiagnosed until I was 17 or 18 I think.

    I’ve been to counciling in school for being suicidal but I lied to the counselor about it. I’ve also been to therapy, I’ve talked to over 6 or 7 different psychologist & psychiatrist, and I took antidepressants, and sleeping pills. Some days I can’t sleep, other days, I sleep about 10 hours, I stopped taking them all and going to the doctors, the antidepressants made me even mad, I felt like I wanted to commit suicide even more and I was more sad, and the sleeping pills made me sleep too much.

    I have been suicidal since I was 9, I tried to chock myself to death, but it only made me faint. I’ve tried to kill myself by swallowing this stuff,m all it did was made my esophagus close and I couldn’t breathe until my air hole opened back up. I’ve also tried to commit suicide by taking my mother’s meds she take, I didn’t I was shaking with the pill bottle in my hand and crying, I didn’t want to leave my dog, she’s the only thing that keeps me going, until she leaves. One day my oldest brother brought a gun to the house for my parents protection, allot of people were getting robbed in the area. I use to go down stairs under my parents bed, i’ll never forget how I use to hold that 9mm to my head and I couldn’t even pull the trigger. One day I planed my death, I set up a reminder on my computer, to remind me to get the gun and a black plastic bag and I was too do it in my closet. But when I went down stairs, the gun was gone. I guess my parents didn’t want it there anymore.

    I still have the pills and I honestly have them because I think one day I need them too commit suicide, sad to say that but I do believe the world and my family is better off without me. I’m too scared to go anywhere because someone may make fun of me, ’cause im not the tallest, or prettiest girl, I don’t ever want to get married, I know deep in my heart im not that good for any man, and I don’t even believe much in love and I don’t like people! I’ve been bullied since the time I started school, and it was the reason I dropped out of the 8th grade and never went back, so I am a burden upon my parents, whether they say it or not. Most the time I wake up and be like, dang GOD why couldn’t you have let me die in my sleep. I was a self mutilator, I will severely scratch, cut, and burn myself. Last year I cut myself over 418 times, yes I kept count, I wanted to know how many times I cut myself…

    I go in my closet and cry allot, but no one knows, and I forever will I hide it. Also I have never told anyone I cut, I cover it up with my jacket but I haven’t cut in about 3 months, I usually cut 3 or 4 times in a single month, but I cut very extreme, I keep moving the thing that I got off the can, the circular metal part, that the object I use. To me this is all just apart of life, and until I die, then I will see what true happiness is, I will be in a better place. ’cause here on earth is not where I belong 😦 And I don’t want other to feel this way, or even cut, or burn. So go get help all of you. I just honestly have given up on life and I accept that this may be me forever…

  3. Dearest Xion, You sound much younger than I. I can only imagine your torment and from such a young age. I want you to know something. Even in my darkest (and they are dark) hours, I stay on this earth. I have promised myself that I will not take my life. I came close in December of 2009, but that was the last time. I’m not saying I don’t often “want” to be gone – out of pain – not wasting space and oxygen. But, honey, I’m still fighting to find the right med that will suit my body. It’s hit and miss until the right one takes effect. I wish you would not give up on yourself. If I could do one thing for you, I would hug you tight and cry with you and tell you, “Let’s go find you a good doctor and start testing meds!”
    I know I bellyache on this blog. I gripe and moan about my symptoms and such, but there are so many people in the world who have things much worse than we do. And we DO have something to offer the world. Whether it’s our giving someone else food, clothes, or love – or something more.
    Use your situation to help others with their disorders. First, you need to get healthy yourself, dear.
    My dad completed suicide when he was just shy of age 45. I was 23 at the time. It has haunted me for a very long time. Don’t do that to those who love you. It is sheer torture. Face the pain and get some help.
    I’m here if you want to chat. Ok?

    1. Yes I am young, im 21 I am going to be 22 this year.

      Thank you for replying back to me, and I am also sorry to here that about your dad, and I am so sorry you have to go through this.

      It was very hard to post this to this site. I honestly have never even told anyone this, not even my parents. I don’t talk to my parents even though I live with them. And the reason is they have problems of there own and I don’t want to add to them. My mother and father are both alcoholics, and I always believed it was because of me. My parents never had any problems until I was born. My mother and father have never drunk like this, until I was 15 years old.

      I know everyday is a fight. I have fought so much that it has taken all my energy, but I do feel a bit better today, I have someone who understand. Everyone knows im a loner, but they don’t know that I am a very sad person. They think that if they were to take me places, or get me out of the house, that I will feel better. If it was that simple, I would’ve been going places, each and everyday. But it’s not, juts like you said, it is a fight.

      Thanks for talking to me, you have made me smile a real smile today. 🙂

  4. Xion! Hello lady. I’m glad you replied and that you are feelilng better today.
    Yes, is a cool website. It’s full of interesting “secrets.”

    Enjoy your day (and by the way, your parents’ alcohol issues are of their own creating. Not yours).

    Big Hugs *

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