In my life, I’ve had sad days, blue days. They were part of being human.
I find that since my divorce a few years ago, I am just now dealing with the losses and changes.
So, I feel more like myself, but a different version of me. After several doctors checked me out from top to bottom and tried everything from hormone therapy to antidepressants and sleeping pills to fight the depression/tight-chest anxiety I experience, I found a diagnosis.
A new and very down to earth psychiatrist saw me and changed my meds (again), which throws me into a tailspin each time. She said I definitely had MDD (see this post’s title) b/c I had ALL of the symptoms on a page that must have listed fifteen to twenty symptoms. I guess I knew I had this disorder, but kept hoping it would go away on its own. That was not the correct thing to do. That can and will likely make things worse.
I’ve been suicidal for the last 33 hours. I’ve stayed in bed and watched TV, played on the laptop, and eaten leftovers and warm Sprite. I asked my roomie to hide my Xanax and sleeping pills. He only gives me a sleeping capsule before bed and hides the rest. I know I can’t be trusted with narcotics when I feel this way. Yes, ithis crippling depression has happened repeatedly over the past couple of years.
I know how to stay on this side of the death line. Most “normal” people think that if someone they know mentions suicide, they are to hurredly call the local mental health hospital. Sometimes, that is wise. In my case, it is a waste of time. I used to WORK at the mental hospital. I know how they treat the patients. No thanks. I’m much better at home with a loved one keeping an eye on me and talking to me until the episode passes.
Like I said, we’re adjusting my meds presently. That is enough to mess with my brain significantly. So, I’m miserable and feeling useless and hopeless, fatigued, and even a little headachey.
Below is information I copied from www.suicide.com. If you are interested in the mental health of a loved one, please take a few minutes to read it. It is quite helpful and very to-the-point:
You have a biological brain disorder
- that under-produces positive emotions
- that over-produces negative emotions
- poisons your thoughts
- and makes you believe that you must die.
|The trouble with depression is that|
- Our malfunctioning biochemistry creates a constantly descending altered mental and physical state.
- We are immersed in a biochemistry of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, pain & sorrow.
- Our hearts are physically aching as though something horrible and terrible has happened to us.
- Our negative emotions are on high and our positive, balancing emotions are very low or absent.
- We may be physically incapable of creating positive thought.
If You Are Suicidal,
You Are Not Thinking Straight !
Just like when we are upset & angry with someone
- Reasoning power is impaired.
- We feel, think, say, and do things we often “don’t mean” and are sorry for later.
- In depression we are biochemically upset all the time.
|Remember — while the biological core of your emotions and sanity are under attack…|
Things don’t matter — you — matter.
Things can wait. You must survive.
If you have to force yourself to do anything, save it for important things — so don’t force the unimportant.
Ask others not to pressure you in the same way.
Realize that Loved Ones don’t know how you feel — if you hide your depression, they can’t help.
And they really don’t know how to help.
Don’t be mad at them
It seems sometimes that those emotions are in a pod.
And even if someone cares and asks you how you are feeling, you don’t want to open up that “pain pod” — you don’t want to break down and cry.
Sometimes it’s better if they ask yes or no questions, like “Are you depressed?” or “Feeling bad?” or “having a hard time?” — Then you can possibly shake your head or manage to utter, “uhuh,” without breaking the pod.
If you find you can’t utter a word or nod your head, write it on a scrap of paper, “Feel terrible – suicidal – dying…”.
Sometimes you must drain that pod and cry, and let some of those emotions drain out. Sometimes you can actually feel a tiny bit better for a while even if it’s just a moment or two of relief. And it may enble you to at least talk to your interested loved one.
Just as you would feel for a loved one dying in the hospital.
You deserve the same
sympathy, comfort, & compassion.
Eat ice cream, eat good food, take your vitamins.
Watch movies, work puzzles, sleep a lot.
Make sure you are getting TREATMENT !!