Changes

I was married for 25 years and had a faithful and honest husband. We shared two well-behaved, intelligent, and funny children. My spouse made plenty of money, and I raised the kids. It was a good set-up for us, as my own mother had to work outside the home during my entire childhood (from 6-weeks on). I missed her. I had no siblings, and my dad worked a lot, as well. It was a lonely life in many ways.

So, I was determined to put my own career wishes on hold and raise my kids. We attended their basketball games, choir concerts, and piano recitals. I took them to school and picked them up after. We shared everything, and it was a blessing.

Now, my “kids” are grown, out of college, married or engaged, and I am divorced from their father. I’ve only been on my own for 2 1/2 years. It sounds like a long enough time to get myself “straight.” It does not feel that long, though.

I’ve struggled with what to do with my middle-aged, not-finished-with-college self. I’ve gotten a CNA designation and worked in psych and hospice. It wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to do what the RNs were doing.

So, I entered college (actually 2 colleges) to finish my BSN. The fears and anxiety about my future are only a flicker of what they were before I made this decision. I love that my intuition, God, and the Universe work together to show us our paths in life. Before we find it, we fret, fear, and spend far too much time in thought over things that will likely never come to pass (like being homeless). But once we decide what feels “right,” there is a huge relief. The body settles, the face smiles, and the digestion regulates. 😉

So, in 11 days, I’ll be sitting in a university seat, listening to lectures on history, nursing, and anatomy. Am I ready? I think so, but it doesn’t matter. My mind is made up, and I’m sticking with the plan until it is finished.

Mid-life is tough. It’s tougher when you must start over in a new house, with new friends/family, and learning the basics of finances (which I never had before. Spouse paid the bills).

But, this woman is feeling better, empowered. Still a bit scared, but that is normal. At least life isn’t boring. At least I am ‘able’ to go back to school.

I’m praying that my brain will kick into gear, cogs not rusted, and breeze through. Although I do hear some clicking in my head – like a hesitant pocket watch that  has been in the humidity too long.

Just keep ticking. Tick, tick, tick . . . .

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