Something scary has occurred to me over the last several days. I thought I’d blog. Blogging is likely to be a new therapy for me.
I am no longer going to apologize for what I say or who I am. I won’t try to hide myself any longer. People will have to take me or leave me. I’ve been afraid my entire life. Will others like me? Will I have friends if I show them all of my truths? I have gone to extensive lengths to please other people. Most of them didn’t give a shit about me after all was said and done anyway.
I’m a “good little southern woman.” I say please and thank you. I vounteer, raise Christian children (of whom I’m truly proud. I must have done something correctly there), I smile when someone hurts my feelings and think I must deserve their criticism. I’ve let so-called friends bulldoze over my feelings, allowed strangers to take advantage of me, and have said yes to many things I wanted to say no to.
My brain is wired in ways in which I was not aware. It occurs to me that my norm is not so normal. After discovering this, I have made new rules for my life. I don’t take on others’ problems as my own and try to solve all of them. I tend to all-encompass a person in need, so I’ll feel what he/she feels. I’ll suffer right along with him/her, thereby ignoring my own needs. I guess it seemed easier to focus on another’s growth and development than dig into my own. This process of nurturing to the point of compromising my health has become unbearable and needs to end.
I never wanted to live alone. It scred the begeezus out of me. Alone? What if I get lonely? God forbid I should experience any real feelings. I’d have to guzzle wine or pop a pill to make the feeling disappear for a while – or at least until I could get to sleep. Since my separation from my now-ex-husband, two years ago, I’ve had to learn many, many lessons. It’s like living in a frickin’ hurricane 24/7. But, I’ve held on to whatever solid objects have been in my path. Some were healthful choices. Others, not so much. It’s still windy and raining in my world. I’m hoping the storm’s eye has come and gone, but I dunno really.
So, amid the stinging rain, I plod along, often blindly. My family has had to travel a bit of the road with me. For this, I do apologize. They should not have had to shoulder my my issues. However, according to my new rules, they will no longer be put in this position. This makes me happy.
I used to vomit phrases like, “I’m an independant woman and can make my own life” or “I am no one’s slave” or possibly my favorite, “I’m fine.” That one sound familiar to any of you?
Today, I actually understand these phrases. It’s like my ears opened and have allowed some of the hurricane winds to blow through and clear out the fragmented pieces of shit. In one ear, out the other. I wonder where the shit went. Should I check between the sofa cushions? That’s where I’ve been sleeping for weeks. Is the shit on my scrubs shirt? Maybe in the pocket? I want to destroy the refuse that was forced from my ears. I want to make sure it’s dissolved, broken beyond repair, melted . . . whatever. Just so that it never gets back in.
I know it is gone, but my need for positivity remains. My poor brain has been like a jigsaw puzzle with lots of misplaced or missing pieces. Maybe it was also like a narrow country road full of potholes and fallen branches. Dodging this and that. My memory was a box made of swiss cheese in which I tried to keep liquid contained. Yes, I like metaphors and similies.
So, what is the point of this self-discovery blog? It’s for me. If it helps or elightens you, super!
Have a good day! Or not. It ain’t my pr0blem.