Tag Archives: antidepressant

Back Into the Light

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Do you believe one small candle flame can grow until one would need sunglasses to view the illumination?

I do – because I am living it – I’m taking one thankful step at a time.

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I have posts on this blog that showed me in some very dark periods of my life. There are writings of sadness, hopelessness, suicide, and any other feeling of desperation one may experience in a time of a valley in life. Yet, I have been coming out of it – becoming healthy once again, and it feels so good. In the beginning, I had to crawl and claw my way forward through muck. However, the longer/further I persisted, the easier it became. Now I’m on my feet, at a slow but steady pace and smiling about it.

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Each week (sometimes each day) that passes, I feel a renewed sense of “myself.” I’m no longer in a dark tunnel searching but finding nothing besides curved walls and an echo. I’m completely off antidepressants (my doctors thought I’d developed Bipolar Disorder in late 2007) and half off mood stabilizer. Yes, it’s fully under a doctor’s supervision. Guess what? I feel sooooo much better off those meds! I was completely disorganized and having great troubles in college (I’m a 48-yr old student), and my mind was extremely foggy when it came to decision-making. I made some awful decisions over the last five years. The meds didn’t end up helping but harming.

However, that little flame inside kept reminding me that I need to stay alive and stay fighting kept flickering, moving, and showing me its presence. So, I moved from complete blackness 10 months ago to a much brighter and energetic and happy place today.

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I am dreaming of going fishing with a sandwich and thermos of coffee. I want to spend the next mild and sunny day outdoors, taking in the beauty of the simple yet highly complex natural surroundings of trees and water. The photo above is how I’m feeling at present. I’m not in the full sunshine of summer but I’m sure not in the dark room with only a candle anymore. I just wouldn’t give up.

Where do I see myself in a month? Two months?

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Here ~ in fully open skies, naked to everything around me ~ breezes, new experiences, a future.

Postpone or Back Peddle?

Postpone or back peddle? That is my dilemma. I’ve missed two days of school this week (in my accelerated degree program, that is a lot) and am behind in already-difficult classes (chemistry, anatomy, restorative art, management, ethics, embalming). I’m having to change the dosage of my new antidepressant, so my mind is shot, and my body is extremely fatigued. Got up this morning, after new dosage of Prozac, and have been “to the bathroom” several times. Fought mild nausea and diarrhea. Yesterday, I just stayed in bed and cried or slept.

It’s a crappy way to live, but it could be much worse.

I had to inquire of the school’s admissions office about when these classes are offered again and about how much of my tuition I’d have returned if I couldn’t “do” this quarter. I’m waiting to hear back from her.

I can hardly believe I’m having to face this. I’ve waited since 1992 to go to this school.

I keep my head up (even if my eyes are turned downward). I have to. There is no other choice. It’s survival.

Now, I wait, I guess. I see how I feel, what my school tells me, and then I face the decision to postpone these classes or back peddle later to try to make the grade this quarter – somehow.

I’m sick of hearing myself. Honestly, I don’t know why my friends, family, and boyfriend are still hanging around me. Grrrrr!

I wish you all a wonderful day. I know mine is out there waiting to happen. Timing is a b!t*h sometimes, though.

XO

 

My Two Realities

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When it’s time to change antidepressants, I dread the switch. This past week, withdrawal symptoms I’d never experienced wracked each and every day. I was light-headed, dizzy, nauseated, and lacked an appetite for ANYthing. I have final exams Mon – Wed, and I have barely cracked the books.

“Come on, Lea. Get with it.”

I stepped outside of my apartment – taking out trash – for the first time today, and I felt like a vampire when the sun hit my eyes! Honestly, I wanted to run back indoors. Outdoors was sunny, had blue skies, and was a briskly cool morning. It was reality. I’d been indoors – dark, TV, laptop, and warmth. My faux-reality. Like my inner self manifesting itself in my surroundings, it’s disorganized, dark, and has plenty of distractions.

So, those are my realities – indoor and outdoor. That was simple.

Now, to LEAVE this apartment for a couple of hours . . . I’m working on that. I’ve showered and brushed my teeth. The next few days will be stressful and testing (pun intended), so today, I will likely vegetate. Ahhhh . . . .

 

Fluoxetine, Generic Prozac. AWFUL For Me!

Lord help me, today is day two (over 48 hrs, actually) since I took my first generic Prozac. Doc changed my antidepressant – convieniently right here at finals time. I’ve been dizzy, super light-headed, and very tired for two days straight. I managed a window of time to drive to and from school today. That’s it. I’m so dizzy that I’m nauseated. How am I supposed to embalm tomorrow afternoon if I’m swaying and swimming?

I won’t take the Fluoxetine tonight! Anything has to be better than feeling this way.

I may just get myself off of ALL meds. I mean, it’s worth a try. I’ve been on antidepressnats and Rx sleep-aids for several years. Hmmm, dunno. As long as I keep my doctor informed, I guess.

Anyone have experience with this particular med?