Romantic Relationships Make Me Sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationships, the romantic kind, make me sick.

My marriage started out wonderfully and lasted that way for almost 20 years. The last six or so were the years I failed to see the pings, knocks, and engine light being on. By the time I actually saw the problems in our relationship, it was far too late to do much about it. Not that we could have fixed anything if we’d caught it several years before . . . it just would have been nice not to have been blindsided by the truth when it hit.

Now divorced for almost five years, I have a boyfriend. We started out wonderfully (sound like the paragraph above?) but are pinging and knocking. The engine light isn’t on but I wonder how long until I’ll either need to take this rig by a shop or sell it.

Romantic relationships make me ill. I’ve had severe depression, much anxiety, and ongoing apathy about my future – all since I woke up and realized life isn’t fair and won’t stay static. Everything’s always changing. I don’t like change unless I initiate it! So, I find myself wondering if this man who’s living with me is a person I’m supposed to be with.

I stopped going to church, something I had done three times a week for two decades, almost five years ago. Actually, I lost all faith. That is saying something big, as I was a Christian to the bone. It just died, and I can’t seem to get it back. I long for those days when I had faith . . . when I was sure what life was and was sure who God was. I was sure the Bible held all the answers I would ever need. Then, the “break” happened. My mental break from the life I was in. Boy, what a mess I made of everything. Anyone whose life touched mine was affected; those poor, poor people.

So, back to the romantic relationships ~ I’m so disappointed that this one doesn’t seem to be working out. We had so much fun and so much the same types of feelings and interests. Now, the small things he does (or doesn’t do) irritate me, and he is a different man than the one I got to know and love a few years ago.

I’m wondering if I should go to a church service in the morning. Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Services will likely be busier than usual. Maybe I’ll wait.

I came home from running errands to find my love interest is gone. His son is living here for a while, and they are gone. No note, no text, nothing. This won’t last for long. I’d rather be alone than living like this.

Relationships, the romantic kind, make me sick.

Mid-life Suicide

Suicide is not the taboo subject it once was, and rightly so – as the he act has risen 30% in just the last THREE years! It’s a scary statistic. Please click on the link below and read this well-written New York Times article concerning mid-life suicide. Educate yourself.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/03/health/suicide-rate-rises-sharply-in-us.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

Remember the 2011 Japanese Earthquake? Fukushima Nuclear Plant’s Meltdown?

 

On March 11, 2011 – A 9.0 earthquake named the Tohoku Earthquake and Tsunami hit Fukushima Prefecture, Japan. This is only the second quake to measure a 7 on the International Nuclear Event Scale (along with Chernobyl). The International Atomic Energy Agency (a U.N. group) devised this grading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This event destroyed back-up generators and disabled the cooling systems for Fukushima Daiichi (Daiichi means number one) and Fukushima Daini (number two location, a little way south of Daiichi).

At Daini, the four reactors automatically shut down. Daiichi had a half-meltdown and is being worked to eventually shut down but it will be decades. A nuclear meltdown is core damage from overheating. The core of the reactor is nuclear fuel – in the form of uranium rods - which must be continually cooled to prevent meltdown. This description is very “simple.” A true understanding of nuclear fuel, energy, and its methods would need more explanation than is ideal for a blog post.

My reason for this post is that I realized that I rarely hear about this Japanese nuclear plant in the news anymore. Why? It is not under an international emergency status anymore but is still very much a leaking, nuclear emergency. Yes, it’s leaking. I hardly think a plastic lining will keep the radioactive water it leaks from making it to the surrounding areas.

In fact, radioactivity levels are blamed for hypothyroidism in newborn babies all along the west coast of America. That’s right, our own country. Radioactivity in the form of precipitation fell on the west coast – spreading the problems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The plant has been called “stable” but is far from being safe and is still very much contaminated and dangerous. Why aren’t we hearing more about it? The Japanese government has banned the purchase/sale of foods grown in the 12-20-mile area around the nuclear plants. I hardly think a few miles is a sufficient area of safety but what do I know? I’m neither a nuclear engineer nor a chemist.

I know the quake wasn’t what we normally see. Geologists were puzzled at its behavior and size. It was definitely a mega-quake. Now we see that any subduction zone (where 2 plates meet) can produce quakes like the Tohoku one. In fact, a large quake is expected (any day) that would devastate Tokyo. Scary thought. California seismologists are thinking that haven’t kept records on quakes long enough to have ever predicted a 9.0 for Japan (plate tectonics is said to be 4 billion years old). Lesson: faults are NOT predictable.

We keep poisoning our lands and waters. We know mother nature has her own agenda. We know the dangers, yet we keep “accidentally” feeding our waters and lands with oil, radioactive chemicals, and any other “leaks” which may happen. And we say, “Oops” and try to clean up our mess – unsuccessfully.

I look outside my window and see a sunny day, greening spring grass, and I can only hope the invisible air I breathe is clean enough.

Sounds of the Lawn Mower Excite Me

 

I was hearing the first lawn mowing of the season. Without conscious thought, my mood elevated, and I began venturing into the backyard. I realized that the sound and scent of the man in my life mowing the grass made me happy.

When I was a little girl and it was spring and summer, the sight and sound of my dad starting his old push mower made me excited and full of energy! I’d run to my swing set and go as high as I possibly could – eyes closed and holding on tight. I had company outside . . . someone to play with me. I am an only child and have known loneliness since I can remember.

 

 

The sound of the mower engine is soothing. It always has been. And nothing beats the watermelon-like smell of freshly mown grass. It’s magical.

Daddy’s been dead for 26 years now. I’ve since enjoyed a husband or boyfriend doing this deed (I’m not one to do yard work – except gardening - so it always fell to the male of the household).

Jerry just mowed down some pretty purple henbit. It’s considered a weed but is pretty nonetheless. Bumblebees love the blossoms. Now, the yard is greener looking, and the robins are enjoying finding the earthworms more easily.

Y’know, the two cats also love when we humans are outdoors and mowing or grilling or swimming. I’m definitely going to make them a very large caged area so they can join us this season. They were both fully de-clawed and from the local shelter, so are complete housecats.

Back to the lawnmower  . . . my parents bought me a plastic kiddie mower when I was young. Sometimes I’d “mow” with Daddy. Most of the time, though, I couldn’t swing for long enough or high enough before Daddy stopped mowing. I dreamed of a huge yard so he’d never go inside.

It’s dusk now, and the mower has been returned to the shed until next time. I feel bittersweet about it. I look forward to summer goodies . . . things like iced tea with lots of ice and lemon, swimming in clear pool water while long evenings offer wafting scents of grilling steaks and hot dogs. I love the music from the ice cream truck as it slowly winds through the neighborhood. I’ll soon be tilling the ground for an herb and veggie garden – peppers, herbs, squash, and tomatoes. I’m salivating. Wish I could “grow” bacon.

 

So, even though I detest our 104 degree summers, I love the other parts of summer ………… especially the lawn-mowing. I sure hope you have a few good memories and a few things that evoke such simple pleasures.

 

America’s Favorite Things

 

I’ve wondered what Americans find most worth while when they have free time. I looked over books, food, hobbies, and movies.  Maybe these will give you ideas of what to do the next rainy day or sunny afternoon!

What are America’s favorite books?

A Harris poll that survey 2,500 adults, and the results are below:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The Bible
2. Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
3. Lord of the Rings (series), by J.R.R. Tolkien
4. Harry Potter (series), by J.K. Rowling
5. The Stand, by Stephen King
6. The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
7. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
8. Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown
9. Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
10. Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger

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CNN Travel gives America’s Favorite Foods. (Try a new recipe).  Here they are in no particular order:

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Key Lime Pie
• Tater tots
• Sourdough Bread
• Cobb Salad
• Pot Roast
• Twinkies
• Jerky
• Fajitas
• Banana Split
• Cornbread
• Meatloaf
• Macaroni and Cheese
• Potato Chips
• Baked Beans
• Popcorn
• BBQ Ribs
• Frito Pie
• Nachos
• Reuben Sandwich
• Cheeseburger

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America’s Hobbies -

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Gardening

* Cooking

* Fishing

* Sewing

* Golf

* Hiking

* Cycling

* Crafts

* Swimming

* Camping

* Bowling

* Dancing

* Billiards

* Painting

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America’s Favorite Movies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• The Godfather
• Gone With the Wind
• The Wizard of Oz
• The Graduate
• Shindler’s List
• Some Like it Hot
• Star Wars
• Psycho
• All About Eve
• The African Queen
• Bonnie and Clyde
• Chinatown
• High Noon
• Annie Hall
• Amadeus
• King Kong
• Jaws
• Fargo
• The Deer Hunter
• Pulp Fiction
• Blade Runner

 

 

 

Divorce Rates Among the Graying Population

 

 

The divorce rate among those 50 and over – so-called “gray divorces” – has more than doubled over the last two decades, according to a study released this year by sociologists at Bowling Green State University.

That study, called “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” predicted the number of post 50 divorces could easily surpass 800,000 per year by 2030. In comparison, more than 600,000 people age 50 and older got divorced in 2009 – or one in four; in 1990, only one in 10 people 50 and older got divorced.

 

 

The study also found that those over 50 in a second or third marriage (as opposed to a first) have a 150 percent greater likelihood of divorcing.

The issue of gray divorces has been in the spotlight recently thanks to the breakup of long-time celebrity couple Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, who split this year following 30 years of marriage. But plenty of other celebrity couples have called it quits including Jessica Lange and actor-writer Sam Shepard, who parted ways in 2009 after 27 years together, as well as Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, who split in 2009 after 23 years together.

 

Licensed psychotherapist Rachel Sussman (author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce”) said there are many reasons behind the uptick in gray divorces.

“Boomers’ quest for happiness in their lives, empty nest, women working and having more financial independence and confidence, people living longer … all are reasons,” she said.

Other experts point to the ability of people to easily reconnect with those from their past via social media — as well as hook up with potential partners via online dating sites — as a contributing factor. Indeed the number of dating-site users 50 or older has grown twice as fast as any other age group over the past year, according to comScore.com.

“People divorcing in their 50s have made it through the raising-little-kids-boot-camp phase of marriage when no one gets their needs met but the children,” said Pamela Zivari, an attorney and conflict resolution professional. “Fifty-year-olds leave usually not because of a tragedy, but because they are unfulfilled.

“Unlike people in their 30s and 40s who want to start over from the very beginning, divorcing 50-year=olds have usually made a sober assessment, ‘does this relationship, on balance, bring me enough happiness and security that I will forego the heartbreak and uncertainty I would create for all the family members if I decided to jump ship at this stage?’” she said.

According to a 2004 AARP survey, 66 percent of divorces among people ages 40 to 69 are initiated by women.  The same survey found that infidelity wasn’t the overriding catalyst. Just 27 percent of those seeking a gray divorce cited infidelity among their top three reasons for doing so — which is on par with estimates of infidelity as a factor in divorce in the general population.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This article is in full presentation at the link below. This blog merely presents portions of the longer article. It is not my original writing but that of huffingtonpost.com)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/01/saving-your-marriage-how-_n_2015943.html#slide=more226917

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(My addition)

Still-successful celebrity marriages are an encouragement. See some of them below:

Denzel and Pauletta Washington – 29 years

Billy and Janice Crystal – 42 years

Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara – 58 year

Samuel L. Jackson and LaTanya Richardson  – 32 Years

Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach -31 Years

Ann-Margret and Roger Smith -45 Years

Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel -35 Years (talk and great sex)

Mark Harmon and Pam Dawber – 25 years

Sissy Spacek and Jack Fisk – 38 years

Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross – 28 years

Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss – 51 years

Meryl Streep and Don Gummer – 34 years

Bill and Camille Cosby – 48 years

Alan and Arlene Alda – 55 years

Christopher and Georgianne Walken – 43 years

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do Not Give Up!

Change – it happens every day. Whether change is positive or negative, it does one thing every time . . .  it makes you re-evaluate your current position and either find a new path or alter the current one.

Let’s talk about big shifts ~

1) Some changes happen quickly but take a long time to work through afterward.

2) Other changes occur over a longer period of time and allow you to acclimate to those changes as time passes.

 

Abrupt changes are tough. They slam you in the face and say, “HERE! Sort through THIS!” That’s what happened to me when I realized my marriage of a quarter-century was slow-swirling in the bottom of a shallow well. A sudden realization of the enormity of my problems and the likelihood they’d not be resolved while in the marriage . . . well, it made me sick. I became mentally sick and there was an urgent need in me –  I ran away from home and didn’t go back.

Let’s talk about metamorphoses. I knew what started my mental upheaval. It was my first child moving out of our home. The two “kids” were my life – literally. That nuclear family had cracked down the middle and was threatening to drop me into the abyss of whatever lie on the “outside” of that shelter. After seeing, for the first time, that I had to make a radical revolution in the way I lived, my mind went numb. Autopilot kind of took over.

So, those of you who are new subscribers (about 80 of you), now know a little about my recent past. Here’s a quick lo-down -

Year one – Manic behavior. Spent a lot of money, promiscuous (had a boyfriend at the same time I was going through divorce), flunked out of college twice, drank (I’m not a drinker), smoked (yuck), did other stuff I shouldn’t have (nothing serious), and other classic symptoms of mania. Started anti-anxiety drugs. Aimlessly wandered. Felt blind.

Year two – four – Mania settled and  depression visited. Depression is a sneaky thing. At first, I had “bad days.” I couldn’t hold a job, couldn’t keep my mind working, so instead of finishing nursing school, I became a nursing assistant. Was so disappointed in myself. Just attending a few classes a week was tough. Gained  40 pounds, and tried half a dozen antidepressants. None worked well. Finally, I didn’t leave the house and barely left my bed. I didn’t attempt suicide but came extremely close twice. My support system kept me from leaving life. I was eventually on Bipolar II drugs.

Year five (present) – I have weaned off of all meds because I chose to do so (first time in five years!) with the help of my new doctor.  I have FINALLY found a counselor that I click with. I’m back in college and making As and Bs!! My decision-making is better, my memory is better, and I leave the house on a regular basis.

I want to share my life with you because it’s been such a strange and difficult ride, and I hope it might shed light on some of your own problems. Three different people (friends and my mother- who doesn’t give accolades where they aren’t warranted) have called me courageous and brave. I didn’t see those traits in myself until recently.

It can be done, my friends. Wherever you find yourself at this moment . . . if you aren’t happy or healthy or satisfied . . . things can change. If I can go from Life A to Life B (two completely different existences, I promise you), then you can, too. It wasn’t a quick accomplishment. It wasn’t seamless. But, by gosh I am doing it. The little flicker of light inside me that REFUSED to give in or give up – well, it got me through and brought me to the other side. It’s where I am feeling thankful, stronger, and full of hope for the future.

Just a year ago, I was a patient with a Psychiatrist. I took mood stabilizers and antidepressants. I read about my disorder and saw many of my symptoms as classic. Just a year ago, I cried in my king size bed, avoided people, and wished to die every day. Just a year ago, I hated everything I was, saw no redeeming value in living, and planned how to make my savings last so I could continue being disabled and disconnected. It’s all I had.

Note: Not everyone who is going through a difficult life-change necessarily has developed a permanent mental disorder. I was just grieving the loss of my life and staring in the face of a new one that I didn’t know how to live.

Change . . .

It’s evil ~ and it’s heavenly